Tuesday, February 15, 2011

protesters in real trouble now...

Greetings protesters, your president wishes to have a word with you. Yes, I said your president, whether you like it or not. I realize that there are those among you on the streets today who are not pleased by this fact, but that is not my problem, that is your problem. How many of you remember the Basij? Those guys are pretty good with an iron pipe, aren't they? The last time I unleashed the Basij, I am willing to bet that many of you became very well acquainted with them as they attempted to knock some sense into you, but apparently that lesson was not learned.
This is a teachable moment. How many of you... Hey! Who flung their footwear? I order you to speak up. Nobody? Very well then, I will have to treat you all as the guilty party if you wish to behave like that. I will... Hey! That is not amusing! Be forewarned that the police will be scanning this entire crowd for two men with only shoe. Or one man with no shoes. Anyone who chose to protest barefoot is in for a very bad day.
Now, as to that teachable moment, do you see what it is that I hold in my hand? That is correct, it is a MacBook. And as you may know, one of it's many useful functions is the ability to quickly and easily connect to social networking sites such as, oh, I don't know... such as FaceBook, where it just so happens that I have an account. How man of you are familiar with Freedom Fighting Fazoul? Ah, I can tell by the gasps that I have many friends here today.
The point that I wish to make is that we know who is leading your illegal opposition. Mehdi Karroubi, Mohammad Khatami and Mir Mussein Moussavi, am I correct? I know that I am. They will soon be arrested and their day will just go downhill from there. In a happy coincidence, the Iranian Parliament met earlier today and voted 222-68 that these traitors be declared corrupts on earth and tried. That is a very serious charge, being a corrupt on earth. If they are convicted, and I assure you they will be, the penalty is death. Not just any death either. The Supreme Leader gets to chose the method from the Iranian Blue Book of Butchery, and believe me, there is not a compassionate word in that entire tome.
So. This does not seem to be a very positive environment for continued protest, does it? I will make you a deal, however, as I did promise the Supreme Leader that I would try to avoid a bloodbath. Go on home, and we will pretend that this was all just an overly exuberate celebration of Egypt's liberation. That is a pretty good... Oww! Mohammaddamnit, that one hit me. Okay, that was a Bruno Maglis, you people are really in hot water now...