The Jong Report

"Guess who just shot 82 today, Hillary..." "Who shot 82? What? God, I hope you're not talking about the Taliban..." "No, eighty-two on the golf course. That would be me. El Presidente. Or you can call me Tiger." "Tiger Woods would probably commit suicide if he ever shot an 82. You weren't seriously playing golf today, were you?" "Why not? We haven't had a major new crisis since Monday." "No, I mean that it's over a hundred degrees outside, and with the humidity..." "They've got this special enclosed presidential golf cart, with air-conditioning and a mini-bar..." "Oh yeah, Bill used to love that. But when it got this hot, he'd just go along for the ride and drink beer. He'd use a proxy to get out of the cart, and then criticize the poor guy if he made a bad shot." "Heh heh heh... Well, my proxy is Bob Gates. That's how I managed to shoot an 82. Anyway, down to business." "You've got that look in your eye..." "Come on, Hillary, you know what I like." "The Jong Report? Your favorite briefing. I'm afraid I've got some distressing news in this one, Mister President. You may not care for it." "Distressing news? Well, go ahead and give it to me." "As you know, Pyongyang is making threatening noises again as we commence our military drills with South Korea. So the North is saying... let me read this so I get it right. It's kind of strangely nuanced... Okay. 'The army and people will legitimately counter with their powerful nuclear deterrence the largest-ever nuclear war exercises'." "Yeah, counter with deterrence, I've been thinking about that ever since I first heard it. It's meaningless." "It means something, I'm just not sure what. The thing that puzzled me was their promise of 'retaliatory sacred war'. North Korea talking about sacred war?" "Really. That phrase doesn't even make sense in the context of their culture." "They also said 'The more desperately the US imperialists brandish their nukes and the more zealously their lackeys follow them, the more rapidly the nuclear deterrence will be bolstered up along the orbit of self-defense'." "The usual bullshit. What's the upshot?" "They'll probably shoot a few missiles into the sea, something to try and get our attention. The most interesting thing is that we don't believe this message came from Kim Jong-il." "Really? Why is that?" "Because if it was from Jong, it would have been 'The more desperatry the US imperiarists brandish their nukes and the more zearousry their rackeys forrow them, the more rapidry the nucrear deterrence wirr be borstered up arong the orbit of serf-defense'. Just sayin." "Bwah haha ha ha..." "Jong would have said 'We are becoming increasingry tired of the of the berrigerence of the West and their imperiarists miratary. We would just as soon annihirate you as rook at you. As for the irregitimate government of the South and their craims that we started these tensions by browing up their ritter boat, we have stated crearry in the past that they are rying asshores'." "Hoo hoo hoo, oh I rove it, that rying asshore line gets me every time." "Just don't rove it too much, boss. Remember I said I had some distressing news? Here, take a look at this photo." "What the hell is that? The Oscar for ugliest dictator?" "Not bad... This surfaced a few days ago in Pyongyang. It's a statue of Jong." "Okay... and you're saying the the country is now so poor that they now have to use pewter instead of bronze for their statues? What's the significance?" "The significance is that there is a statue. Jong is still a follower of Confucianism, so he believes that..." "That a statue would symbolize the end of his regime. Damn, I'm glad I picked you for this job, Hillary." "Thank you. This probably means that our intelligence has been spot on, and Jong will be replaced by his third son before the end of summer." "Kim Jong-un." "Kim Jong-un or Kim Jong Eun or Kim Jong-woon or Kim Jung Woon, whatever the hell you want to call him. Don't laugh, he's apparently got a lot of names." "I know, I just like the way you say them." "I think that we can probably conclude that the latest North Korean belligerence is just a way to keep our focus elsewhere while they negotiate the transfer of power... But I'm afraid the bad news is that Jong-un has no accent." "No accent?" "Not a funny one, at any rate. He went to school in Switzerland and speaks pretty good English, German and French." "Aww... Chirac and Merkel are going to be disappointed. The Jong Report just isn't going to be the same." "Don't give up. There's an awful lot we don't know about him yet. Like, reportedly he's pretty overweight..." "Uh Huh. That's a good look to have in a starving country." "...and he's a heavy drinker who refuses to admit mistakes..." "Sounds like an ex-president I know." "...and akin to Beroved Reader before him, the radies rike him." "Heh... Thanks, Hillary. I guess we'll still have the memories." "Any time, boss. That's what I'm here for."