Friday, May 21, 2010

The Jong Report

"Mister President? Barry?"

"Come in and take a load off, Hillary. I've been anxious to hear about the preparations for your Asia trip. Can I have them get you something to drink?"

"Coffee would be great... As for the trip, everything seems to be on schedule. I'll be in Japan first, meeting with Prime Minister Hatoyama and Foreign Minister Okada, ostensibly to discuss our air base, but I imagine we'll primarily focus on North Korea. Then it's on to China, where they want me to tour their Shanghai Expo. All day Saturday. God I hate those things. Then I meet up with Geithner and the rest of the guys on Sunday for our economic talks. I guess my main role in that will be to try to keep my eyes open. And then on Monday, it's off to South Korea to meet with Mungobungo."

"Myung-bak, President Lee Myung-bak. He hates it when you mispronounce his name, Hillary.

"Yeah, whatever. I asked him last time if I could just call him Lee, so it's all good now. I'm just worried about what our proper course to take is in shaping a meaningful response to the North Korean aggression."

"Just make sure that Myung-bak takes the lead, that's all. It was their boat that the North sank, so they need to decide how much they want to commit, and then we decide what we can support."

"Well don't be surprised if you get one of those three in the morning phone calls, Mister President. Nobody's ever been able to figure out what to do with Kim Jong-il. By the way, I wanted to say a couple things about last night's state dinner for President Calderón."

"That was some wingding, wasn't it. How did you like Beyoncé? President Calderón seemed enchanted by her."

"Yeah, but then I think you might have harshed his buzz when you segued her into the Marine Corp Band. You probably could have gotten Jay-Z in a package deal. By the way, did it ever occur to you that just because you have the president of Mexico over for a state dinner, you don't have to serve him Mexican food? Like, how would you feel if when you went to Russia, they served you a Big Mac and fries?"

"I guess that much like your husband, I'd feel pretty good about it. What the hell do you know about preparing for a State Dinner, anyway? ...Jeez, forget I asked that."


"So, before you leave, Hillary, do you think you can do one little last thing for me?"

"Oh. What would that be?"

"Come on. You know what I like..."

"The Jong Report? You love that, don't you?"

"I can't help myself, Hillary, it makes me raugh."

"It makes you raugh, does it? Then rets do it."

"Peeper of Korea, this is your beroved reader Kim Jong-ir with urgent news regarding our enemy to the south. As you have probabry heard, the irregitimate government of President Mungobungo recentry rost one of their primitive war ships when it was struck by an American misser. This is the reason for the hastiry arraigned visit from Hirrary Crinton."

"Heh heh heh heh..."

"It's bad enough that the imperiarist United States attacked our mortar enemy to the south, something that we would never do for a mirrion dorrars. Okay, maybe for ten mirrion dorrars we would murr it over... But now, that is exactry what we are now being accused of by the rying asshore Mungobungo."

"Wah ha ha ha ha ha, rying asshore. hee hee hee..."

"This wirr not stand! South Korea terrs the worrd that it matched the torpedo which sank their sirry ship with one that was recentry featured in our export weapons catarogue. What are these scoundrers doing with our catarogue? They aren't even on our mairing rist."

"Bwah hahahaha ha ha... Do the eyes again."

"This wirr not stand. North Korea is the riving embodiment of the hopes of arr mankind, as werr as something that the radies rike. You know what I mean, Hirrary? I know you do"

"We warn our traitorous enemy that they wirr have to present definitive proof that is suspicion-free, and capaber of even fooring me. In response to any type of punitive measure, we will retariate, even with an arr-out war, and that's not a pretty site. We have rong-range Taepodong missirs, which we can send crashing down rike a viorent purper rain. Purper rain, purper rain..."

"Hoo hoo hoo, wah hee hee hee, stop, bwahahahaha stop it Hillary, I can't take no more."

"What did you say? You don't rike my singing?"

"I said, Stop it, Hirrary, that's arr I can take."

"Okay, as rong as you ask me nicery... Hey, gotta get to my flight. Tell the kids I'll bring them back something special from the Shanghai Expo."

"That's nice. Good luck with Mungobungo. Try not to get too worked up about North Korea. We've been trying to figure out what to do with those guys since Eisenhower. And thanks a lot for the Jong Report. That always puts me in a better mood."

"No problem, boss, happy to be of service.."


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