the good news

On a personal level, the good news is that I'm back home. I've only been gone for four days, but this was one of many less than joyous trips I've taken over the past year and a half, trips to less than civilized environs where internet access is as rare as I like my steaks. So I got myself a little netbook with anywhere access. And it is... okay. I was able to post Saturday and Sunday, and the results didn't look too bad, considering the distractions, like the constant reruns of 'CSI: Whatever' that were blasting at top volume. The tiny keyboard combined with a pair of big clumsy hands takes a bit of getting used to, and the aforementioned hands have a way of interacting with the touchpad in a manner that makes the entered text look eerily similar to a Burroughs cut-up. But enough about me. Upon returning I find that the really good news is happening in Afghanistan, where the Taliban are reaching out to President Hamid Karzai, and no, they're not reaching out with a machete. "There are signs that they are ready for talks, and this intensified after the president announced the program of reintegration and reconciliation after the peace jirga," said Karzai spokesman Waheed Omer (and if you can't trust a man named Waheed Omer, who can you trust?) Hey folks, this was a peace jirga, which for those of you not proficient in the Pashtun dialect, is an assembly of tribal elders which make decisions by consensus. So as long as everything there is agreed to by the tribal youngsters, everything should be copasetic. So, exactly why we are at war with our old proxies from the Mujahideen? "Hey, hey, don't gaze at me, bro," said temporary Afghan Commander David Petraeus. "Did I happen to mention, today or in the past, that I just go wherever they friggin send me? Go ask Bush. All I know is that we were going to take out al-Qaeda and then, whoops, there it is." "I'm afraid that President Bush is unavailable to comment on this particular matter," said spokesman Waheed Omer. "As you know, he has a book coming out in a few weeks which will perhaps address all of these issues in detail. Bwah ha ha ha. Anyway, perhaps you should speak to Vice President in absentia Richard Cheney, or at least to his assistant." "Please leave a message at the tone," said the voicemail for Vice President in absentia spokesperson Liz Cheney. "But if you're just calling up to ask why he recommended going to war against his old friends in the Taliban, please call 1-800-7." "Oh, so the the circle ends up with me in the middle, which is not proper circle behavior, so allow me to recommend that you just go fuck yourself," said Karzai spokesman Waheed Omer. "I am currently manning the fires of the presidential hookah, and although our leader is currently deep in thought, he wishes to relay his opinion that the Taliban were not such bad guys after all, and he himself is puzzled by the nature of the... misunderstanding. It seems to date back to 2001, when he had a job offer that no sane future president could refuse, and he suggests that you might get more satisfactory information by talking to his former partner, Ahmad Shah Massoud." "Oh, Allah, that was so long ago," said Ahmad Shah Massoud spokesperson Mary Ann Omer. "But the sad truth is that my uncle Ahmad was assassinated back on September 9, 2001, and can't come to the phone. He did like the Taliban quite a bit, however, and I'm sure that the fact that they're reaching out now to President Karzai is nothing if not good news."