Wednesday, July 28, 2010

intelligence failure

A report unearthed by the Wikileaks documents cast doubts on both U.S. And Pakistani intelligence, demonstrating a severe lack of it on both sides. The case involves a warning by American intelligence that Pakistan's ISI (Directorate of Inter-Services Intelligence) launched a plot in 2007 to poison the beer of American forces, as well as any infidel Afghan soldiers foolish enough to imbibe the Devil's brew.

"Insidious, yes," said Col Dave Madson, stationed at the time near Kandahar, "and the truth is, we never trusted the ISI any further than we could throw them. But given the fact that Pakistan forbids the export of alcohol and the reality that we have no Forward Operating Bases there, you'd have to say it wasn't a very well thought out plot. They would have had to smuggle the beer onto American bases and then somehow get it inside of our locked storerooms. Heh heh heh, can't you just imagine their spies stopped at a checkpoint with a case of Bud light under their arms? Treacherous bunch of dumbasses."

One American who doesn't believe the plot was all that dumb is James Yeager, a U.S. geologist who was advising Afghanistan's Ministry of Mines. Yeager, returned to his quarters in Kabul one evening to find it had been burglarized. The intruder had taken money, but in a show of reciprocity had left behind a bottle of Corona. This being Kabul, the uninvestigated bottle remained on Yeager's table where he treated it like dirt, ignoring it for two weeks because Corona is his least favorite beer. Then came the dreadful night when his alcohol stash ran low.

"I pulled it out and when I popped it there was no fizz and the cap was loose," Yeager said. "Because this one didn’t have fizz you wonder if it went rancid or not, and I just kind of sniffed it and I went 'Oh, that doesn’t smell like beer'."

Being a geochemist, Yeager decided that the beer did not smell at all like malt and barley, but a lot more like sulfuric acid. Pouring it into a toilet where it foamed and fizzed left "no question" in his mind as to the beer's true nature. "I work internationally a lot and it’s just one of those things... It’s entertaining. You just go on," Yeager laughed, saying he had thought "Who cares, I’m going home."

"Ludicrously naive," said General Ahmad Shuja Pasha, director of the ISI. "I'm not just talking about James Yeager, who aside from being a geologist and geochemist is also apparently a rocket scientist. I'm talking about American Intelligence, who allowed the Wikileaks incident to occur, giving valuable information like this away. Not that I intend to poison any Americans, but if I wanted to I now know better than to use a faulty delivery system such as a Corona. Col Madson inadvertently tipped me off to the fact that Bud Light would have been much more effective. Furthermore, I believe this is proof that Americans will view without suspicion any beer that comes into their possession. Heh heh heh, I tell you, what with the rising cost of IEDs, poisoned roadside six-packs would be a cheap alternative. Gullible bunch of dumbasses."

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