Saturday, August 28, 2010

Beck rally bores thousands

The warning signs were first apparent Friday night after Glenn Beck make a surprise appearance at a FreedomWorks  convention. "When I first started planning this event, it was supposed to be political," Beck told the stunned TEA party group. "And then I kind of feel like God dropped a giant sandbag on my head."

"I wish God would drop a giant sandbag on his head," said Joseph Barker. "When he told us last night that he had decided his rally was too important to be used for simple political goals, I felt like I'd been sucker punched. We'd already heard from Rand Paul and Marco Rubio, then Beck comes in and takes all the air out of the room. Nice work, dude."

And so it was that in front of the Lincoln memorial, on a beautiful Washington day which was quite temperate for August, Glenn Beck did the one thing that nobody expected - he slowly and methodically bored the shit out of everybody.

"George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Moses, and Martin Luther King - what's that got to do with taking back our country?" asked TEA party member Harriet Thatcher. "I'm a proud American and a devout Christian, and let me tell you, this was like being in church. For half the day. And I hate church, but at least today I got to wear shorts. Know what else I hate now? Beck. Who does he think he is, coming out here to lecture us and act like we need to be educated by him? I think we've been calling the wrong person 'the Messiah'."

"He was out there talking about Martin Luther King, not Barack Obama," said attendee Joe Fulton. "For this I drove all the way from Memphis? I could have been at the big auto show down at the Cook Convention Center today. Tickets were only seven bucks, and I'm gonna end up spending more that ten times that much just on gas for this trip. And for what? Beck didn't rouse a bit of rabble, and that's flat out bait and switch. Sarah Palin didn't even wink at me. If I can ever make it back to my car, I'm heading straight down to Richmond and getting drunk as a skunk. At least that way this trip won't be a total loss."

"Half the people he had on stage were black, and so was nearly all of the entertainment," said sunburned Tommy Addison. "This was supposed to be the TEA party Woodstock, and there were no rock bands at all. Gospel music? I just don't think that's appropriate at a rally where we were supposed to be taking back the civil rights movement. Oh, and lets not forget the bagpipes. Everybody loves bagpipes. If it wasn't for Jo Dee Messina, I would have given the whole show zero stars, but she didn't even sing any of her hits. I got one question for you Beck - Where was the Nuge?"

Conservatives and rock fans weren't the only people disappointed by the event. Members of the media were left holding the bag on a story that never happened.

"Yeah, I feel pretty betrayed by this whole thing," said Dana Milbank of the Washington Post. "We'd had our eye on this story for weeks, and Beck wastes the opportunity for what I guess you'd have to call public repentance. We didn't even get anything provocative out of Sarah Palin. What a waste of a day. Well, at least we have a new story line - The TEA party is hopelessly dull. I don't know why the heck we've wasted all this ink writing about them. Probably the only person happy with this is Rupert Murdoch, for FOX's decision not to air it live."

Crowd size was estimated from as low as 100,000 to as high as a half million, but all sources agreed that it was probably the largest assemblage of bored people in the nation's history.


  1. Boor Bores Thousands. You totally nailed it, Mark.

  2. "For this I drove all the way from Memphis? I could have been at the big auto show down at the Cook Convention Center today."

    Never pick a Glenn Beck rally over a big auto show. Never.

  3. I got one question for you Beck - Where was the Nuge?

    Beck's Elders in the LDS probably don't care too much for the Nuge. He's a ...LAMANITE! That is, at least until Beck and Mitt Immanentize the Eschaton: then, you either submit to the Holy NEPHITES, or...yr Lamanitical fertilizer.