Beck reveals hand of God or Gaia or Whatever

Glenn Beck today became the first celebrity lunatic to publicly blame some deity or another on the tragic catastrophes in Japan.   "What God does is God's business, I have no idea," he told his vast radio audience before going on to reveal that of course he had some idea. Not only that, he had the exact text. "I'll tell you this: whether you call it Gaia or whether you call it Jesus - there's a message being sent. And that is, 'Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just sayin'."   The stuff we're doing should stop being done, remarkable words from a remarkable man, yet Beck could not accept his own counsel, choosing instead to continue his customary course of giving totally nonsensical advice. "Make sure you keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times," he suggested, fully aware of his listeners proclivity for driving with their feet hanging out the window. "Things are gonna get bumpy and, just a few reminders there at the beginning as this rollercoaster takes off, always a good safety tip: Keep your arms and legs in." Oh. A rollercoaster, not an automobile... I suppose his guidance is equally valid for either scenario. "Don't do anything stupid," Glenn continued, a Sisyphean command seemingly beyond the ability of any good Beckian. "What do you say we follow the big top ten. You can call them Moses' ten commandments, or ten rules of Um. What do you say we start doing those things? Because the things we are doing really suck and they're not getting better."   "That just sounds like crazy talk to me," said Evangelist Pat Robertson. "I mean, the very first Rule of Um is 'Thou shall consume no condiments that have not been individually packaged'. I don't think that would have spared the people of Japan. I don't think anything would have. The quaking of the earth, the wrath of the ocean, the reaming of the mountaintop, and the melting of the fuel rods... It's pretty clear that God was determined to rid the Japanese people of their Buddha worship once and for all."

not so funny now, is it?

Minoru Yanagida jokingly checks to see if his fly is truly open.   Japanese Justice Minister Minoru Yanagida has resigned from his post just two months after taking office. Yanagida disgraced himself and his party eight days ago by telling an unfunny joke. While his self-inflicted punishment might be seen as extreme, Japan has long had a tradition of leaving the job of dispensing humor to the experts. Speaking to his constituency in Hiroshima, Yanagida claimed that the job of Justice Minister "is easy because I only ever have to remember two phrases, which I can use whenever I am stuck for an answer to a question in parliament." Being a curious people, his constituency shouted out the traditional response - "What two phrases are they?"   "Okay, okay, the top two things a Justice Minister says... Number two, I refrain from making comments on a specific issue," replied Yanagida, presumably in a goofy accent. "And the number one thing a Justice Minister says is... We are dealing with the matter based on laws and evidence. Bada bing!"   The constituency responded with stony silence. Crickets chirped. People slowly began to drift away. Having committed humor hari kari, Minoru Yanagida was officially in disgrace, and there were no options left but resignation. Yoshito Sengoku, the man who will temporarily replace Yanagida's, called the resignation "regrettable but unavoidable."   "Minoru Yanagida is no comedian," explained Sengoku, "And he was foolishly risky to attempt such biting satire. As Parliament transcripts clearly show, Yanagida has indeed already used these phrases at least thirty-three times, so the humor was just a little bit too edgy for someone who is not a trained professional."