Monday, March 14, 2011

Beck reveals hand of God or Gaia or Whatever

Glenn Beck today became the first celebrity lunatic to publicly blame some deity or another on the tragic catastrophes in Japan.
"What God does is God's business, I have no idea," he told his vast radio audience before going on to reveal that of course he had some idea. Not only that, he had the exact text. "I'll tell you this: whether you call it Gaia or whether you call it Jesus - there's a message being sent. And that is, 'Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just sayin'."
The stuff we're doing should stop being done, remarkable words from a remarkable man, yet Beck could not accept his own counsel, choosing instead to continue his customary course of giving totally nonsensical advice.

"Make sure you keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times," he suggested, fully aware of his listeners proclivity for driving with their feet hanging out the window. "Things are gonna get bumpy and, just a few reminders there at the beginning as this rollercoaster takes off, always a good safety tip: Keep your arms and legs in." Oh. A rollercoaster, not an automobile... I suppose his guidance is equally valid for either scenario.

"Don't do anything stupid," Glenn continued, a Sisyphean command seemingly beyond the ability of any good Beckian. "What do you say we follow the big top ten. You can call them Moses' ten commandments, or ten rules of Um. What do you say we start doing those things? Because the things we are doing really suck and they're not getting better."
"That just sounds like crazy talk to me," said Evangelist Pat Robertson. "I mean, the very first Rule of Um is 'Thou shall consume no condiments that have not been individually packaged'. I don't think that would have spared the people of Japan. I don't think anything would have. The quaking of the earth, the wrath of the ocean, the reaming of the mountaintop, and the melting of the fuel rods... It's pretty clear that God was determined to rid the Japanese people of their Buddha worship once and for all."


  1. Your commandment isn't negative enough. It should read: 'Thou shalt not consume condiments that have not been individually wrapped'. 'Shalt not' puts a lot more fear of the Lord into people.

  2. In all fairness, it's not the Lord - it's just Um.

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  4. UM? Thum, perhaps H-back. as In Urim and Thummim, which a Mormonic such as the Beckster would know are the mutha-f-ing seer stones, y'all, found on the hill with the Golden Plates. So connect the dots--Becksters informing Foxnewsland --cryptically of course--the Angel Moroni had somethin' to do with the Tsunami! Probably in the BoM somewhere.