Reverend Jones

It's been a whirlwind month for Reverend Terry Jones, one which has seen him rise from virtual unknown to a figure of international infamy. "Now I know how Lady Gaga feels," quips Jones, who is head of the Dove World Outreach Center. "Of course, Lady Gaga is an unholy harlot who shall be cast into the flaming pit of hell while I am just a humble man of God, but I'm sure you get my meaning. It's the fame monster. We both stand before the eyes of the world, only I stand in a nice charcoal suit from Men's Warehouse, while she brazenly stands in a birthday suit from man's whorehouse." Jones has good reason for his dazzling newfound fame, having come up with the premier religious stunt of the new millennium, 'Burn a Koran Day'. "I knew it was a great gimmick the moment I came up with the idea," says Jones, who admits that until recently he felt like a bit of a failure. "A lot of the other preachers, they have these huge congregations, while I have to be content with about fifty. But that's all going to change now. True Christians will flock to a church that proves the clarity of it's vision by burning another religion's holy book, I just know it." "I know that there are those who would condemn me, persecute me, and even try to ensure my untimely demise," admits Jones. "In fact, my stunt is more dangerous than anything Evil Kenieval ever attempted. I was doing the math the other night, and if only one out of a hundred Muslims wants to kill me, that's still fifteen million potential assassins. That's why I'm packing heat." At the moment, Jones carries a .40 Glock, which can only protect him from fifteen Muslim assassins at a time without reloading, but Jones says that he isn't worried. "Most of my congregation is armed, too, and like I said, I expect my church to grow like a wildfire after the world sees Saturday's blaze of freedom," he said hopefully. "And people will see, because anyone who attends and isn't armed with a gun is going to be armed with a video camera. No, I'm not too worried, My God and my Glock are my protection. And the YouTube. And the first amendment. It's kind of ironic. I used to be not that crazy about the first amendment, but now I can see that the founding fathers were a whole lot smarter than they looked."