Saturday, August 21, 2010

Franklin Graham clarifies

Hello, brothers and sisters, may the Lord's grace shine down upon you. I'm sure you all recognize me, don't you? Well, I understand. I tend to forget a face now and then, but I always remember a name. I'm Franklin Graham... Reverend Franklin Graham... Reverend Franklin Graham, son of the Reverend Billy Graham. There, that should be good enough for everyone but the heathens amongst you. Actually, a lot of you heathens probably know me too - you've probably got my picture on your dartboards. No? You've got my dad's? Heh, heh, I'll tell him. He's sure to get a kick out of that.

The reason I wanted to speak to you is to correct some recent remarks of mine that seem to have been misinterpreted by the media. They're like that, you know. Even FOX News and all of the conservative talkers have misrepresented me, they just spin it in a different direction. It's enough to make me bite my lip.

What the media wants you to believe is that I said President Obama is a Muslim. And I did, I'll admit it, although I said it in a very nuanced way which I'm afraid was not very well understood. What I said, and I'll quote myself, is that the President was born a Muslim, and that his father was a Muslim. The seed of Islam is passed through the father like the seed of Judaism is passed through the mother. Normal people, by which I mean Christians, aren't born from seeds. They are born from the union of a sperm and ovum given up by two married adults. I hope I'm not getting too technical for you, but you can find out more about this on the internet. Except for the part about the seed of Islam. That's something I once heard from an Imam, and if anyone should know, it would be him.

Anyway, my point was that the President was born a Muslim, and he was give a Muslim name. That's what's known as prima facie evidence. But I also said that I believed Obama was now a Christian. You know, a few months back, he was in North Carolina, and he came to visit my dad, and we all prayed together. Of course, Dad is getting up there in age, and he always has liked to pray with presidents. But like I said, it's obvious that the president has renounced the prophet Mohammed, and he has renounced Islam, and he has accepted Jesus Christ. That's what he says he has done.

So instead of condemning the President, I think we should praise him, and more importantly, pray for him. Because he's a very brave man. As a Muslim renouncing Islam, he's committed apostasy, which is a very serious offense, one that calls for the death penalty. Just saying. Luckily for him, that's Sharia law, not American law, so unless some fanatic gets it into his head that he needs to defend Islam, the President should be just fine.

Well, I hope that this clears everything up, and the media doesn't try to put some crazy spin on it this time.


  1. Oh, Mark, sometimes I swear I don't know how to tell you how much I love you.