Boehner beaten

House minority leader John Boehner has been released from George Washington hospital, where he was taken for treatment this morning after being attacked by a group of little punk staffers from the tough Capitol Hill neighborhood. Boehner sustained multiple bruises and abrasions on his lower body, but none of them were deemed to be serious. "I think they hurt his feelings more than anything else," said Dr Stanley Krouch, the physician who treated Boehner. "John Boehner thinks of himself as a big man, and obviously these were very small men that administered the beating. Still, he's lucky, all things considered. Some of these staffers can be quite vicious, and he didn't have any bruising above the buttocks. I guess he may be black and blue around his shin and ankles for a while, but he's still orange everywhere else." "We would have really done some damage to him if he hadn't started crying, but that kind of creeped us out," said Stephen Peterson, who works as a junior aide to Barney Frank. "He was wise enough to give the right response when we asked 'Who's the little punk now', so we let that be the end of it. But he'd better watch that smart mouth of his in the future." "No charges were made against these four gentlemen," said Sgt. Biff McNalley, the responding officer. "Mr Boehner said he would haul my ass up before one of his House committees if I refused to arrest them, and I felt like having a go at him myself, so I believe his beating was completely justified. Imagine, talking that way about a group of people to bankers. The proper phrase is Little People, I told him. They don't like to be called midgets, they don't like to be called dwarfs, and they most assuredly don't like to be called little punks."