How to be a winner

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki scoffs at the notion that his party may have lost the election to Ayad Allawi just because of some quaint notion that Allawi's Iraqiya Party got the most votes, taking 91 slots on the Parliament's roster to al-Maliki's 89. "Got more votes?" laughs al-Malki. "On whose abacus is that tally present? Certainly not mine. Mine said 'Nuri al-Maliki, you may already be a winner!' At least it said that when I checked it a couple of months ago, and I see no reason to doubt it now. If someone wants to fault my tally, they can tally me banana, as the great Iranian singer Hari Bellafoni once said. Or sang. My God, that's a fine piece of music. I think it would make for a fine national anthem, and as Prime Minister I vow to make it so. It will give our country a nice upbeat feel to it. See, Iraq is getting better by the moment, and I won't let Allawi take that away from us through voter fraud." "What? The United Nations, the elections commission, and the international observers all say the election was fair? Who are you going to listen to, me or Jimmy Carter? I'll tell you something else, Mr Tally Man, a couple of days ago, I was talking to my very dear friends on the Iraqi Supreme Court, and they very kindly gave me a ruling that said that even if that scoundrel Allawi was able to somehow steal the election, I would be allowed to choose the new government. And guess what? I choose me. Just thinking of the Iraqi people, that's all." The United States seems resigned to al-Maliki's maneuvering. After all, it's not like we want to go to war with Iraq. That would be crazy. Gary Grappo, the top political officer at the US embassy takes it all with a grain of salt. "They’re still going to take advantage of all the means at their disposal to eke out a victory. They’re all politicians." "It's all for the best," says al-Maliki. "No way will we accept other results. Some of the people on Allawi's slate are terrorists held in Iraqi prisons. Or will be soon, anyway. And most of the rest are former members of Saddam Hussein's Baath Party. As a matter of fact, we're in the process of disqualifying more than fifty of them now. After all, elections do have consequences."