Maddow spurns Brown

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, having only been in office for a couple months, is already hard at work on the important business of fund raising, but he has one major problem - nobody famous has yet announced their intention of running against him. Undeterred by his lack of celebrity opposition, Brown sent out a fund raising appeal earlier this week trumpeting the imaginary candidacy of MSNBC anchor Rachel Maddow. "I'm sure she's a nice person," the letter reads in part, "I just don't think America can afford her liberal politics." And then he asks a rhetorical question which even the most progressive citizen will be forced to respond to in the negative. "Rachel Maddow has a nightly platform to push her far-left agenda. What about you?" You can almost hear the people of the Bay State responding in unison: "No, Scott, I don't have a nightly television show. What's your fucking point?" To which Brown would undoubtedly say "No point. Just saying, that's all." But alas, Rachel has no intention of running, and said as much on her show, following that up with a full page ad in the Boston Globe which denounces Brown for raising money off of her scary liberal name. But the freshman Senator is undeterred in his desire for a famous liberal opponent. "It was an open secret that the Democrats were trying to recruit Rachel Maddow to run against Scott Brown in 2012," Brown spokesman Eric Fehrnstrong said today. "Now that she’s said no, I’m sure they’ll scurry around looking for someone else. Maybe Keith Olbermann’s available." Olbermann responded that he was perfectly happy in New York City and had no intention of moving. "Really?" said a disappointed Brown. "I could have sworn he was from Boston. He just has that sort of air about him. Oh well, I'm sure they'll run somebody famous against me. Maybe Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. I don't know their politics, but I'll just bet they're elite Hollywood liberals, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if the Democrats are trying to recruit them to run against me and thwart the will of the people of this great state. What the heck, it's at least worth another letter."