Saturday, April 17, 2010

McConnell explains position on finance bill

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is blasting back at President Obama, who during his weekly radio address called McConnell's stance against the financial regulatory bill a cynical and deceptive argument.

"Why, that arrogant pup," fumed McConnell, sitting in the VIP booth at an Alexandria Denny's with a group of other elderly schoolmarms. "He needs to be taught to respect America's financial institutions. And Capitalism in general. Because what he's attempting is a huge power grab - total federal control over the very dollars in our pocket. I keep mine in my left front pants pocket to protect against hooligans, tightly secured by an Adam Smith money clip. Ones on the outside then the fives, tens, twenties, and a couple hundreds right in the middle like a little money sandwich. No fifties, never. I'm not at all fond of Ulysses S. Grant, not after what he did to Paducah in the Civil War. Every September 6th I go back home for Paducah Day just to relive the humiliation of that blow against the Confederacy."

"Anyway, as I was saying, the good thing about making a money sandwich, is that when you're someplace like Denny's where you don't need a lot of cash to get a quality meal, you can pay your bill without the waitress seeing how much money you have and trying to rob you. The way the Obama regime is trying to rob the American people by telling them what they can and can't buy, and making them responsible for paying out an endless stream of bailout money."

"Anyway, getting back to the topic, the waitresses won't try to rob you if they think all you've got on you is a roll of ones. It just isn't worth risking their careers over. And believe me, waitressing is considered a pretty good career in a lot of parts of Kentucky, because most of the girls don't want to go anywhere near a mine. That's their choice, and thank God we still have a little freedom of choice left in America, like the freedom to invest in so-called risky derivatives, but unless we fight this bill that freedom will simply disappear. Much like my coffee. Waitress."

"See, now this girl is going to expect me to tip her just because she refilled my coffee. And I could easily do that, just peel off a bill from the outside of my money sandwich, but that should be my choice to make, not like those fancy Socialist restaurants where the tip is automatically included. That makes me ill, just like this finance bill. What I really like are those places back home where they've got a tip jar up front by the cashier. I really don't like to carry pocket change, and that way the waitresses can't see what you're doing with your money. And I'm sure Wall Street feels pretty much the same way."


  1. How did Maudie Frickert end up in the Senate, anyway?

    Great stuff, Mark!

  2. I just DO NOT want to see his moons over my hammy.