Thursday, May 27, 2010

I see trouble

Best selling author Joe McGinniss has filed a restraining order against Sarah Palin, charging the ex-half-governor with harassment and stalking. While saying that there was insufficient evidence to support the stalking charge, the judge agreed with the harassment complaint and has prohibited Palin from coming any closer than fifty feet of the writer.

The trouble between the two began recently after McGinnis moved to Wasilla, Alaska to begin work on a new book, and took a six-month lease on the house next door to Palin's.

"At first, she seemed delighted to have me as a neighbor," says McGinnis. "She said it really classed up the neighborhood. No doubt. She even welcomed me with a homemade blueberry pie when I first moved in, at least that's what she said it was. But then she found out through her 'extensive research' that the book I was working on was about her and just freaked out, saying that I had no right to write about her from next door. I mean, why the hell else would I move to a redneck Riviera like Wasilla?"

McGinnis claims that Palin subsequently began spying on him at all hours, calling in fake orders to Pizza Hut, and taking out his forsythia bushes with her Chevy Suburban. Palin also enlisted her children in the commission of 'pranks'.

"I answered the doorbell one morning only to find Piper running away and a flaming bag of dog shit on my front porch. I suppose that one is supposed to stamp out the flaming bag with ones food and in the process get dog shit on their shoe, but I am not susceptible to this sort of trickery. Instead I quenched the fire with my coffee, picked up the bag with tongs, and marched it right over next door to demand an explanation. That's when Sarah Palin pelted me with eggs, and called 911 to report a home invasion. Believe me, the Wasilla police have no idea who Joe McGinness is."

But Wasilla Facebook followers would soon know the name, as Palin began posting intimations that she was living next door to a pedophile.

"Spring has sprung in Alaska," Palin wrote, "and with this beautiful season comes the news today that the Palins have a new neighbor! Welcome, Joe McGinniss! Yes, that Joe McGinniss. Here he is – about 15 feet away on the neighbor’s rented deck overlooking my children’s play area and my kitchen window. Maybe we’ll welcome him with a homemade blueberry pie tomorrow so he’ll know how friendly Alaskans are."

"I finally got the chance to tackle my garden and lawn this evening! So, putting on the shorts and tank top to catch that too-brief northern summer sun and placing a giddy Trig in his toddler backpack for a lawn-mowing adventure, I looked up in surprise to see a 'new neighbor' overlooking my property just a stone’s throw away. Needless to say, our outdoor adventure ended quickly after Todd went to introduce himself to the stranger who was peering in..."

"He moved up all the way from Massachusetts to live right next to us – while he writes a book about me. Knowing of his many other scathing pieces of 'journalism' , we’re sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure he’s penning. Wonder what kind of material he’ll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom, my little garden, and the family’s swimming hole?"

"Threatening with another one of her horrible pies, now that was truly frightening," relays McGinnis. "But referring to my motives as a writer as as less than reputable goes beyond the pale. My interest in her was strictly professional. I had no interest in seeing her in shorts and a tank top, although something a bit more exotic might whet my interest. Just kidding, there. She's a bit too schoolmarmy for my taste. And her little beast of a child, aside from her age, just doesn't have that certain je ne sais quoi."

"And one more thing. I doubt very seriously that she's familiar with my other 'scathing pieces of journalism'. I've never been all that much of a scather. Salacious at times, I suppose, but look at the sort of people I write about."

1 comment:

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