Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Steele barricade

Following accusations by the treasurer of the Republican National Committee that he had intentionally hidden seven million dollars worth of debt in order to present his fundraising prowess in a more positive light, Chairman Michael Steele has barricaded himself in his office at RNC headquarters, and plans to stay in there "until I give myself some answers". According to his secretary Judy Walspenski, Steele has been locked in there "all afternoon", a clear violation of his own open door policy.

The cooked books were first reported by the conservative Washington Times. The paper, founded and financed by Unification Church founder Sun Myung Moon, has never turned a profit since it's beginning in 1982. According to Steele, this has given them "an unhealthy interest in other people's money, and an unhealthy interest in sticking their nose in my business."

Editor-in-Chief Sam Dealey admits that he has long had a strong distaste for Steele, dating back to the day "he came in here and started blathering about hip-hop Republicans." He also notes that "we'll stick our nose in his goddamn business anytime we feel like it, and we feel like it with great regularity. Frankly, it makes us look more balanced if we occasionally slam a Republican, but really, with Steele we do it just to see the look on his face."

The revelation cast serious doubt upon Steele's claim that the RNC was debt-free primarily because of 'efficiencies' that he introduced, and opens them up to the possibility of millions of dollars of fines from the Federal Election Committee. Informed of this, Steele reportedly said "Uh...".

Steele bravely tried to get out in front of the controversy earlier today, releasing a statement blasting the Financial Reform Bill.

"Cast from the same mold as the failed stimulus bill and the 2.5 trillion dollar government takeover of healthcare," his statement read in part, "President Obama’s latest foray into government control of the private economy unnecessarily punishes Main Street and fails to address the root causes of the kind of crisis it was designed to prevent in the first place. See what I'm talking about? I know Glenn Beck does. No coincidence that these two things go down at the same time. Obama owes us an apology. And seven million dollars."

"This is one of the last straws," said Treasurer Randy Pullen, as he tried to trip the lock on Steele's door with an RNC Visa card. "My patience does have it's limits. Hey Michael, I've got some Heinekens out here... He never has any snacks in his office. Never. Nothing but coffee, and that's de-caf. He's going to get hungry sometime... I've got pizza from Giovani's. Double pepperoni... Well, I've got a back up plan. I just put in a call in to Chef Henri from Dominique's, and if Steele doesn't open the door by eight, we're going to sauté some soft shell crabs right here in the hall, put on the new Big Boi CD, and when Steele comes out, we're going to question him like nobody's business."

"Hey, man," said the muffled voice from behind the door, "How bout giving a brother a break?"

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