Wednesday, November 10, 2010

smoke em if you got em

The Food and Drug Agency today unveiled thirty-six new graphics that will be required on all cigarette pack and ads beginning in October, 2012. The graphics, which are intended to visually warn consumers about the dangers of tobacco, include images such as a man smoking through a tracheotomy tube, a diseased lung, corpses, lots and lots of pictures of babies and small children having smoke blown on them, and some unfortunate dude having a heart attack. The images will take up 50% of the space on a pack and be required on both the front and back to avoid the possibility of smoker turning them over to the other side for a more pleasant view. Upon implementation, the selection of images will be narrowed down to nine - presumably by unpopular vote - because nobody at the FDA wants to harm the tobacco industry with unnecessarily burdensome business requirements.
"When the rule takes effect, the health consequences of smoking will be obvious every time someone picks up a pack of cigarettes," said FDA head Margaret Hamburg. "I don't want anyone to get the impression that we're turning into some sort of nanny state, but this is for their own good. If they don't want to see the pretty pictures they can just keep their goddamn cancer sticks in their pocket or purse. And it would be naive to not expect an uptick in the sale of ornamental cigarette cases. See, would a nanny state give you that sort of freedom? So go ahead, people, continue with your filthy habit, we've done all we can do."
"Until October, 2013, that is," chuckled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. "That's when we roll out the new flavor additives. You know it's hard to believe, but a high percentage of smokers say they actually like the taste of their nasty coffin nails. Well, they won't be saying that after we introduce our new flavors. Our studies have shown that the two least favorite tastes of smokers are Brussels sprouts and beets, and we've got those nailed. Hey, all of you disgusting butt puffers, didn't your mama ever tell you that Brussels sprouts are good for you?"
"And they smell even worse than they taste," added Hamburg. "I guarantee you won't be able to light up in public without everyone asking who farted. Oh my God, are you ever going to be ostracized. Not our fault, though, we're not your nanny, we're not going to tell you that you can't light up in the privacy of your own home. Still, you might want to think about quitting sometime before October, 2014. That's when we assign the manufacturers their new brand names."

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