Birther Lakin's Big Day

It was a day of ups and downs for Lieutenant Colonel Terrence Lakin, a day in which he got what he asked for only to find that he didn't really want it, then got something he didn't ask for that made it all worth while.   Lakin, as you may recall, is the Army doctor who refused deployment to Afghanistan because Barrack Obama was born in Kenya and therefore was not the boss of him. So certain was he of this fact that he posted YouTube videos telling these truths in which he invited the Army to court-martial him if they were foolish enough to disagree. They did and they did, sentencing him to six months before they kick him out dishonorably, a punishment he felt to be way harsh.   "I don’t want to end this way," he said tearfully - because in truth few people really like to consider the fact that they've just thrown away their career, retirement and reputation because of utter nonsense.   "I want to continue to serve," he continued, almost moving through the five stages of grief in one thirty second statement. (Except the acceptance part, of course.) "It crushed me not to be on deployment. I can be on a plane tomorrow. I’d truly do that." This turned out to be an offer the Army could refuse. Lankin is entitled to an appeal, but the Army is a bit quaint in the sense that he'll be appealing from prison.   "I would not do this again," he explained, although I suppose we'll never have the opportunity to find out. "It was a confusing time for me, and I was very emotional. I thought I was choosing the right path, and I did not."   Still, as sorry as Lakin may be for disobeying the order to deploy, he still feels as though he was correct in his assertion that Obama was the mastermind of a fiendish plot to illegitimately seize the presidency and drown America in the bathtub of Socialism, a conviction that instantly endeared him to Rupert Murdoch.   "We're pleased to offer Col. Lakin an analyst slot on FOX News, to begin as soon as they let him out of the brig," said programming chief Roger Ailes. "We could really use someone aside from Ollie North to help us with military coverage, and Col. Lakin has shown the sort of spunk we're looking for. We want to thank him for his service, and I hope he finds something in the mid-six figures acceptable."   "Well," said Lakin as the MPs led him away, "I guess it's been a real rollercoaster kind of a day."