All Hail The (former) Chief

Republicans were united today in expressing their belief that George W Bush should be given all of the credit for ending the seven year long war in Iraq, but equally insistent that he should not be saddled with any of the responsibility for starting it. "You might recall that the surge wasn't very popular when it was announced," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, alluding to the well known fact that the 'real' war in Iraq didn't start until 2007. "You might also recall that one of its biggest critics was the current president. That just grills my cheese, and I'll tell him that to his face. If I can keep from barfing." Obama was notoriously one of the wars biggest supporters of the war when it was first started by Saddam Hussein, who forced the conflict by recklessly pretending to have weapons of mass destruction which he intended to annihilate the United States with in a merciless multi-pronged attack. "It was easy for Barack Obama to be a cheerleader for the war back in 2002," noted McConnell. "Everybody was for it, and besides, he was only a state senator that no one had ever heard of. Yet, in spite of the popular consensus, President Bush and the Republican Party were determined to do everything within their power to avoid a costly and deadly conflict, and were forced into it only after Saddam Hussein refused to disclose the location of his imaginary yet deadly weapons. If the WMDs hadn't killed us, the suspense surely would have." "Some leaders who opposed, criticized, and fought tooth-and-nail to stop the surge strategy now proudly claim credit for the results," House Minority Leader John Boehner chimed in. "You know who I'm talking about. This is the most blatant sort of flip-floppery imaginable. Obama was one of the most verbal supporters of this unwelcome war until John McCain invented the surge in 2007. Then, with the same calculating foresight that allowed him to fake his birth records back in 1961, he cynically changed his position in his heartless strategy to defeat the man who he knew would be his opponent in 2008. His heartless tactic worked all too well. All I can say is thank God the economy tanked in anticipation of Obama's election, else he would have surely aborted our mission in Iraq, preventing us from ever celebrating this glorious victory that President Bush and the Republican party so brilliantly engineered."

The Breakfast Club, Part 2: Martoonis

Part 1

How are you feeling, Sarah? Are you geared up for 'The Event'? Are you ready to drive all those people into a freedom frenzy?

Ready, willing and able, Glenn! I can't wait to get out there. Hey, I did have something I wanted to ask you about... That guy over at Reverend Robertson's house I didn't recognize, who was he?

Oh, that was just Lloyd Blankfein from Goldman Sachs. He's one of our Corporate, uh... one of our corporate sponsors.

Goldman? I guess you do sell a lot of gold on your show. But he sure didn't seem like a very friendly guy to me.

Well, you know, some people are just all business. Come on, Sarah, let's take a peek at the crowd before we hit the stage.

Oh my gosh, Glenn. Look at all the people here to see me. What do you think, is this like five million?

Probably not, Sarah, but that doesn't mean we can't say there were five million. I mean, who's going to be counting?

The National Park Service. But I wouldn't take the word of a bunch of government workers. It looks like five million to me. I can't believe all these people showing up to see me.

Actually, Sarah, I believe that some of them are here to see me.

Whoa, check out the ego on you.

Guys, guys... Oh boy, am I glad I caught up with you two before you hit the stage. I've got an urgent request from Mister Gingrich and Mister Blankfein that may come as a bit of a surprise. They're urging you in the very strongest terms not to say anything that might be seen as partisan or divisive. Don't mention the Obama administration, liberals, or any of our core issues whatsoever.

Fat chance of that, Chairman Steele. I've got forty minutes of blistering rhetoric and five million patriots who are starvin' for some red meat.

And I planned on an hour of glib praise of the audience, highly seasoned with over the top conspiratorial rhetoric.

Oh, Glenn, you've got to cut that back. You can't run longer than I do.

Look, let me explain. This is from the highest level.

Newt?

Yes, Newt. You know he's never going to be president, but he's still the best strategist we've got. Now here it is in a nutshell. The TEA party is the driving force for victory heading into November, but if we don't turn down the volume, they're going to scare a lot of Democrats into voting.

Well gee, I would think that would be great, because voting is a civic responsibility and...

Against us, numbskull. Now, look. Everybody's going to be watching this event, waiting for the worst. Crazy words and actions. Defilement of Dr. King. Maybe even rioting in the streets. So you want to give them just the opposite. Bore the crowd, put them to sleep. They'll know what's going on, they'll just be a little disappointed, that's all. By putting them to sleep, you'll be putting the media to sleep and putting the disillusioned Democrat voters right back into Dreamland. Understand?

I guess I do, but I was so looking forward to rousing the rabble... What's that sound, the bell that keeps on a'-ringing?

There's your cue, Glenn. Now get out there on that stage and bore, baby, bore!

Maureen! Would you get me another cup of coffee? And come on out here, you've got to see this.

What is it, Mister Robertson?

It's Glenn Beck, and unless I'm mistaken, it appears that he's preaching the Gospel.

That should make you very happy, Mister Robertson.

Well, it doesn't. Did you know that Beck is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints?

He's a Mormon? And he seemed to be such a nice young man.

I guess that shows just how much you know, little Missy... Ah, sorry Maureen, I'm just all jumbled up inside. A member of the LDS, perverting the Gospel in front of five million people? I've never had an audience like that in my life. And, and, you know, he thinks he's a good man, and when he dies, the Lord will reward him with his own planet, which he can populate with the children of his many wives...

Calm down, Mister Robinson, you're going to make yourself ill and die. Would you like for me to make you a little breakfast?

I suppose I could choke down a couple of my Age Defying Protein Pancakes... I tell you, Maureen, I've been bamboozled ever since Newt and his friends came for breakfast last week... What was that all about? Oh my... A Mormon preaching the Gospel? Granted, it's not as bad as a Muslim, but still... Maybe a few of those Jimmy Dean L'il Links as well...

Meanwhile, at the Amos Corporativos Cantina...

And here he is now. Good afternoon, Carl-Henrich, so good to see you. I don't believe you've had the pleasure of meeting Ms Whitman before. Meg, this is Carl-Henric Svanberg, Chairman of BP.

Pleased to meet you, Mister Svanberg. I'd just like to tell you that I was appalled by the way the Obama administration has treated your corporation.

It was nothing at all, Ms Whitman, although I'm sure that with people like you in power, the ride will be considerably less bumpy. And please, just call me Carl-Henric. Now pardon me while I talk shop for just a moment. Lloyd, I understand that you were unable to brief our little sleeper cell last week on the initial stage of our plan. What happened?

Well, it seems as though we were interrupted by an enormous mouth...

Which unfortunately was attached to everybody's favorite little Eskimo Empress. You can see the problem... I was so amused when that little simpleton actually wanted to endorse me.

Yes, I was amused by that myself... I suppose dummying up was the right decision, even though we'd be revealing only the slightest shadow of our plan.

With Palin's verbal diarrhea, it's better to be safe than sorry. But not to worry. Newt is fully vested, and Boehner knows enough to guarantee his cooperation. Steele knows more than I'd prefer, but he's been scared straight, if you know what I mean. As a matter of fact, I had him intercept Beck and Palin before their little Woodstock, and the results would indicate that he performed splendidly. That just leaves the preacher, and he's basically harmless.

Unless you're a Muslim or a Mormon, that is. Anyway, everything appears to be moving along smoothly. Another round of martoonis, barkeep.

Martoonis? What's a martooni, Rupert?

Oh, you know, that's what Dean Martin used to call martinis when he would get drunk. Dean Martin? I guess you probably don't know him because you're not American.

Well, neither are you, Rupert. But what the hell, we're all multinational now.

Indeed we are, and may our reach grow ever longer. And I do believe we've got the American elections in the bag, as long as we can keep the masses distracted by ephemera.

You know, Obama is going to try to change the national focus to war this week. Odd, isn't it, the way he seems so happy to feast on failure.

Nothing odd about it, Carl-Henric. When the people turn against their leader, there isn't any better topic that he can point them to. It's just unfortunate for Obama that we're not going to help that focus.

Really? You're one of a kind, Rupert. You're telling me that FOX isn't even going to cover his address on Afghanistan?

Oh, we'll cover it, Lloyd, on the night of the speech, but you know what we're going to have to say about it? Not a goddamn thing, unless there's a gaff, or something we can personalize. For example, I'm quite interested in this Apostasy angle that's been emerging lately.

Mmm... I know that's an attractive option, but isn't it kind of a leap? I mean I know you've convinced a substantial number of people that Obama is a Muslim, but if you want to convince them that he's an Apostate, doesn't that mean you'll have to educate them about some of the tenants of Islam?

Just a few, Meg, and Beck can take care of that. He's mighty good with a chalkboard, and waging war on your own people isn't that much of a sell. And if that doesn't seem viable, we'll focus on something else.

OOOOO, I've got it! The president's penis! I've never seen the president's penis. How do we even  know that Obama is a man?

Jeez, I love you guys. This is going to be the best country ever... You know, if Obama isn't really a man, it's not much of a leap to say that he's...

A lesbian! Yeah, yeah, you could sell that! Just look at how much the girl loves basketball!

Would you be willing to say that in public, Meg?

Fuckin' A, if it'll help me to win in California. Over a hundred million bucks and I'm still running even with fucking Jerry Brown? Yeah, I'll ask the president to show his dick.

If he has one, heh heh... Well, it's imperative that we take California, Meg, so I might just have to take you up on your offer... Not to lower the political discourse or anything like that, but...

Everybody clam up. George Soros just took a seat at the bar... Who is that with him?

That's Rahm Emanuel. He just looks a lot different in person.Oh, shit. They're headed over here.

Well, well, well, this is a fine looking little group. Look, Rahm, they've got chicken wings.

I'll take one of those wings, thank you.

Hey, if you guys don't mind, we're trying to have a private conversation over here.

Really? In that case, you wouldn't want these wings to get in the way of your chit-chat. I'll just hustle them on back with me.

Toodle-oo, we'll be seeing you.

Ugh. Those two really give me the creeps. Especially Soros.

I can see why. A billionaire who's a liberal - disgusting. They really think they're big shots, don't they? I wish we had a place like this where we could go and talk in private. This is...

Look, Rachel, it's the worst people in the world.

A few of them, anyway. Hey, lets sit over there where we can eavesdrop on them.

That does it. I'm going to buy this place and turn it into a private club. That way we can control the membership and scheme all we want without worrying about the riffraff.

Excellent idea. What should we call it?

Ooo, ooo, I know. How about the Super Colossal Exclusive Corporate Overlords Club?

I was thinking about something a little more subtle and innocuous like... The Breakfast Club.

...to be continued...

      

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FGAQ continues here.