The labor crisis deepened in Wisconsin last night, as the governor threatened to eliminate up to twelve million jobs if Senate Democrats don't accede to his plan to his plans for dismantling the state's labor unions.
"I am Cornholio," Scott Walker told a quickly organized conference call of Republican state legislators. "I need TP for my bunghole."
"He sounded serious," said state senator Ben Dover. "And he's enough like Ronald Reagan that he might really do it. The loss of twelve million more jobs would be a real blow to our state, so I'm kind of frightened by the prospect, but kind of excited at the same time. I mean, I remember when Reagan tore down the Berlin Wall, everyone was saying 'Stop! Don't do it! It's a suicide mission!' But then everything worked out okay and America became the greatest country on Earth, at least until a couple of years ago."
"Trick or Treat, sonofabitch!!" Walker added. "You will not be safe from the Almighty Bunghole! I am Cornholio! Do not underestimate the power of the Almighty Bunghole!"
"I don't think any of us are underestimating his power or resolve right now," said Democratic senator-in-exile Lucy Ferspawn. "He's morphed into the most powerful person in the history of his mind or of this state, and if he isn't allowed at least the opportunity to claim his stake to gipperhood, I just don't know what is going to happen. Frankly, I'm just about ready to go back home and beg for mercy, but I can't imagine that he would show me any."
"Come out with your pants down," Walker cried in defiance, as the Berlin Wall of Labor came tumbling down. "I am Cornholio! You have awakened my bunghole, and now you must pay! The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers!"
Wow," said President Obama. "This sounds like nothing less than one man's megalomaniacal attempt to begin the dismantling of the middle class in America. But these are things upon which honest Americans can disagree, and I look forward to the prospect of spirited conversation on the topic in the future."
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