| "Okay people, settle down. You simply can't win them all." |
"Yes we can. We're the majority."
"No you can't. Look, we have passed 413 wise Republican cost saving amendments to the budget bill and that's nothing to sniff at, but I think Congressman Barton's last one was ill advised. It really was. Defunding the Office of the Vice President is the sort of tactic that could make us look unnecessarily confrontational."
"You're darn tootin."
"Order... order... We've got a lot of work to do yet, people. Let's see... Congressman Issa offers Amendment 417, which would prohibit any use of federal money to study the impact of integral yoga on hot flashes in menopausal women, which he says is a church and state issue. Why do you say that, Darrell? I don't even know what integral yoga is."
"I can't really say I do either, but it has something to do with the union of all the parts of one's being with the divine, which is why I call it a church and state issue."
"And they're using that stuff on menopausal women? That's mind-boggling. In addition, Amendment 417 would prohibit study on the potential impact of a soda tax on population health. We've all seen those ads and I think we understand perfectly well how angry the soda tax makes most Americans. The bill would also prohibit the study of condom use skills in adult males. May I ask exactly what is meant by condom use skills, Congressman Issa?"
"You don't want to know, Mister Speaker. And neither do I."
"I suppose you're right. Finally, Amendment 417 prohibits National Science Foundation research into whether video games improve mental health for the elderly. Is there anything to that?"
"I guess we'll never know, Mister Speaker, nor should we. Some doors are better left unopened."
"Very good. This seems like completely sensible legislation to me. Let's put this to a vote and move on. We've got 200 more amendments before we can go on recess."
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