Sunday, May 1, 2011

the next front-runner

"...and as I announced a couple of weeks ago, I simply refuse to interview Trump until he proves he is going to run. Perhaps not even then, because in my mind, he is just not a genuine candidate. A more serious candidate emerged just yesterday, and he's our guest this morning. Daniel Lawrence Whitney, welcome to FOX News Sunday."
"Thank you, Chris. It's a pleasure to be here."
"A lot of folks, myself included, were surprised at your announcement that you were forming an exploratory committee."
"I understand that Chris. The decision came about rather quickly. Like most people, I've been concerned about the direction of the country, but never considered running for office. But last Sunday, I was watching Donald Trump on one of the Sunday shows..."
"Not mine. As I've said, I won't have him on."
"Not yours, Chris. Anyway, it was an embarrassment. And then I saw tape of the Trump rally in Los Vegas..."
"The one with all the F-bombs?"
"That's the one, Chris. Now don't get me wrong, I'm an entertainer and I occasionally use the F-bomb in one of my routines, but never on anything intended for broadcast, and never repeatedly just for shock value."
"He won't ever have the opportunity to try that on my show."
"That's good, Chris, because I'm sure a lot of kids watch your program. Anyway, I asked myself, how can Trump be the front-runner for the Republican nomination? The man is a clown, and not in a good way. But then, consider the person he took the lead from - Sarah Palin. She's Donald Trump in a skirt."
"Ho ho, good one, Daniel."
"I'm not kidding, Chris. People say that she is a female Larry the Cable Guy minus the class and intelligence, but I've got to disagree. I see a much closer resemblance to Trump, the same pandering, vulgarity and fundamental lack of seriousness."
"And you see yourself as a viable alternative?"
"I do, Chris. I understand the issues. One thing that has become crystal clear to me is that the Republican party wants a celebrity. That's why they moved so seamlessly from Palin to Trump, and why I think they'll take to me very quickly."
"Your really think the GOP wants a celebrity President?"
"Absolutely. They've been looking for another celebrity candidate ever since Ronald Reagan."
"Good point. But as a comedian don't you..."
"As a comedian I can guarantee you that I'll have the most entertaining rallies of any candidate."
"People will have a certain amount of difficulty separating Daniel Lawrence Whitney from the Larry the Cable Guy character."
"Not a problem, Chris. People love the character, and truth be told, there's a lot of him in me. I just need to show people another side, that I'm not just Larry the Cable Guy, I'm also Lawrence the Able Guy."
"Well, for a start, you've got a real winner of a slogan. Thanks for being with us Mister Whitney, and the best of luck with your potential run."
"Thanks, Chris, I know I can get 'er done."


  1. If they can't have Arnold Schwarzenegger, Larry the Cable Guy is the next best thing!

    The Tea Party is about to be The Keg appeal to the younger crowd.

  2. Larry TCG's probably a bit too sophisticated for the south.

    Maybe ....Freida Beeee for Prez! Nude housewives covered in chocolatay and whip cream, for the Peoples


  3. Yes, and "Do you swallow?" is the next, "Did you inhale?"

    (There's a tweet.)

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Thank you to whomever deleted that comment which I would have been forced to neither confirm nor deny and I hate neither confirming nor denying profane acts. It's such a waste of energy.

    Funny shit, as usual, Chris Wallace.