Saturday, May 14, 2011

A special secret message from Mitt Romney to YOU

" after making a careful analytical analysis of the ten-year Massachusetts Misery Index, which you'll recall from a few slides back, we convened in the brainstorming room and began to plug all these variables into a mathematical formula. The total population was given the value of X and the total insured population was given the value of Y. Since the Misery Index is constantly fluctuating, we gave it the variable of K. The uninsured population, or free riders as we called them, was an absolute value but since we were trying to find the value of future K, or FK as we whimsically called it, we took the cosine of..."
"Let me just pause here for a second and ask a question - Are there any Tea Party people still watching this thing? No? Good, good. How about conservatives? Hmm, I see a couple, but they all appear to be too drunk to find the remote control. They'll never remember this in the morning. It's you Democrats that I want to talk to, all the liberals and progressives as well as the centrist independents, so let me change topics."
"Hold on just a second, I want to put my tie back on. There, I feel a lot more comfortable now. Now as you all know, I'm running for president, and the pundits all say that I don't have a prayer with the increasingly right leaning Republican Party. You might think that's a problem, but this year it's not. I'm not going to bore you by plugging this into a formula, but there are two very important things to remember."
"Number one is the fact that pretty much everyone who is running for the Republican nomination this year is either insane, like Donald Trump, frighteningly reactionary, like Newt Gingrich, or a combination of both, like Michele Bachmann. Every one of these candidates would like to move our country so far to the right that you would have to use a stepladder just to catch a glimpse of sanity. Every one of these candidates but me, that is. I'm accused of flip flopping a lot, and those charges are valid, but I think you all know that I'm just doing it to get the Republican nomination, because I'm far too liberal to win otherwise. Actually, I'm a lot more liberal than you think. Take my health care plan, for example - in actuality, I'm proud as hell of it."
"Now I know most of you who are still with me are saying that's just what you suspected, but who cares, I'm still going to vote for Obama. Fine. Which brings us to fact number two - Obama is running uncontested, which means there won't be a Democratic primary. But, and this is a very important but, many of you live in states with open primaries, which means that you can still vote to help determine the Republican candidate. See where I'm going with this? I might not be your cup of tea, but if your worst case scenario comes true and enough people really are willing to vote for anybody but Obama, you can at least take comfort in the fact that you helped insure the fact that on the day after the election you can wake up with a president that's not totally bonkers. And like I said, I really am a lot more liberal than you think, much more so than the other wackos running this year. Thank you for your time, and now let me get back to my meaningless speech."
"As I was saying, the uninsured population was an absolute value but since we were trying to find the value of future K, or FK, we took the cosine of the vector between the current budget and the ten year projected budget and gave it a value of AB. This in turn was plugged into..."


  1. I would have preferred if Mitt had kept his secret secret.

  2. Oh oh, I think you have presented Mitt with a winning strategy, which I accidentally first spelled strateguy. Apropos.

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