Checkmate in Tripoli

It was truly must see TV in Libya this weekend as the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya Muammar Gaddafi took a short break from killing his own people to demonstrate that he really is quite insane. The appearance was intended to assure whoever it is that watches Libyan State Television that he was still fully in charge.   "Good evening people of the Libyan Republic," he began by way of introduction. "As you can see I am still fully in charge, fully engaged, and my complexion has a very healthy glow. When you saw me appear upon your television screen, you probably expected to hear me speak of the many great victories in front of us. And they shall come, but tonight I have a very special treat. I invite you now to watch as I focus my attention upon the game of kings. I myself, of course, am not a king, nor am I a president, prime minister, or potentate, but I still enjoy the game."   Challenging Gaddafi was very special guest Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, former president of the Russian Republic of Kalmykia and current president of the World Chess Federation. Perhaps leveling the playing field was the fact that Ilyumzhinov is also insane, having spent millions on the construction of the Chess City complex in a poor and barren section of the Russian outback. Another clue might be his repeated insistence that he was abducted by aliens and taken to a distant star.   "My theory is that chess comes from space," Ilyumzhinov said of his beloved game. "Why? Because it has the same rules, 64 squares, black and white, and the same rules in Japan, in China, in Qatar, in Mongolia, in Africa. The rules are the same. Why? I think it seems maybe it is from space."   "Even to me, that borders on the absurd side," confided Gaddafi. "Dice have the same rules and are black and white and square. Does that mean they came to earth on a flying saucer? Pizza Hut is the same in Japan, China, Mongolia, and Africa, and Qatar, although I understand that in Mongolia their delivery time if far from acceptable. Still, I do not believe they have an interplanetary origin. I shall enjoy taking this imbecile's rubles."   "Gaddafi's really not much of a chess player," said Ilyumzhinov a short time later, speaking from a Tripoli backstreet where he had been roughly deposited. "He's much weaker than me... just an enthusiast who knows where to put the pieces and do a child's play checkmate. Just look at that board, he had a double set of thirty-two white pieces, I had two pawns, a knight and a rook, and I still took him out in less than ten minutes."