Saturday, June 18, 2011

fairway negotiations

"I'm figuring twenty bucks a hole, Mister President, just to keep the game interesting. Sound about right to you?"
"Well, John, that all depends. Will you raise the debt ceiling?"
"I think you know the answer to that. I want two dollars of spending cuts for every dollar we raise it?"
"That's crazy talk, John. We don't have four gazillion dollars in cuts that we can make, so the answer is most likely no."
"Most likely, but not definitely. I think we're making some real progress in our negotiations, so I'm ready to present you with my latest offer. One dollar eighty-five in cuts for every dollar we raise the debt ceiling."
"That does sound a lot more reasonable than the two dollar figure you were throwing around. I'll ponder it. Now on to more important business. How much of a handicap are you going to give me? After all, you are ranked by Golf Digest as the forty-third best golfer in Washington."
"Very true, and the last time I checked, which was this morning, you weren't even ranked. Here comes your handicap now, my partner John Kasich."
"Good God almighty, the man looks like he can barely hobble out here. But twenty dollars a hole it is. Unless you'd like to raise it, because here comes my secret weapon, Joltin' Joe Biden."

"Curses! Not Joltin' Joe, the player ranked by Golf Digest as the twenty-ninth greatest golfer in Washington DC... I fear that you have bested me in these negotiations once again."
"Hey Boehner, I see you're wearing shorts that look just like mine. Aren't you a little tubby for those?"
"Fuck you, Biden... Mister President, you've got to give me something more in this deal. This disastrous turn of events has in effect turned this into a fair game."
"More than fair, John, because I know I can outplay that sickly looking partner of yours. You could say that... Whoa! Did you see the length of the putt that Biden just sank!"
"I know a thing or two about sinking putts, too... Mister President, will you tell your partner to quit staring at my shorts?"
"Stop it, Joe."
"Okay, lining it up... easy... Yahoo! The kid's in there for par!"
"That was only a two foot putt on level ground, Boehner. I'm not exactly shaking in my shorts over here."
"Shut up about the goddamn shorts, Biden... Mister President, we really need to renegotiate the terms of this game."

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do, John. I'll move these little flags for us and... Hey, what's the matter with your partner? It looks like he's having some kind of attack."
"It looks like he's about to shit in his shorts, Boss."
"Heh heh... You're right, Joe, he does! I think maybe you shook him up a little with your last shot."
"Kasich! Get the fuck up! You're embarrassing me! Honestly, I try to take you someplace nice and look at the uncouth way you behave."
"Nice drive, Joe."
"Thanks, Boss." 
"Well, like I was going to say before your partner spazzed out, after the game, I'm going to allow you to drive the presidential golf cart back to the clubhouse. And there's something we were pulling your leg about - Biden's not my partner, you are."
"Oh, really? That means we have a real chance to win."
"Oh my lord, with Kasich at Biden's side, you bet we do."
"That's... very sporting, Mister President. And in return for your kind gesture, I'm going to go back to my caucus and see if I can talk them into accepting a buck eighty in spending cuts for every dollar we raise the deficit."
"It's worth a try, John."

1 comment:

  1. "Hans" Boner: is that black boy the caddy?

    Biden: That's no caddy, Mr. Boner. That's the President!