Wednesday, July 20, 2011


"Right now I've got a surprise guest... A surprise to me, at any rate, because I have Bristol Palin scheduled for this hour. Congresswoman Bachmann, what the heck are you doing here?"
"Putting on a brave face, Greta. I had to talk to someone right away, and I immediately though of you because I know you suffer from the same problem as I do."
"What problem is that?"
"Debilitating headaches, of course. Migraines, the kind that you get every week or so that make you writhe in agony in a quiet room with the lights out for days on end. What problem did you think I meant?"
"I don't know. But I need to tell you a couple things up front. First, I have another guest scheduled for this hour, and secondly, I don't suffer from migraines."
"Really, you don't suffer? I understand, you probably have to take a ton of pills like I do and in your case they work. You're one of the lucky ones."
"No, I just don't have migraines."
"Sure you do. I read about it in the Inquirer, how during the Casey Anthony trial, you took ill during your show and then you were out for three days."
"That was food poisoning."
"Oh you poor dear, food poisoning on top of a migraine! Well, I guess that's the Good Lord's way of telling me to count my blessings."
"I don't believe that God would give me food poisoning just to make you feel better about yourself."
"He works in mysterious ways, Greta. Like the story about my migraines breaking the same week that I really started getting traction in the polls. He obviously wanted the news out so people would realize that I was just like them and not some sort of Superwoman. That's why I had to be on your show tonight, to get out in front of the story."
"And so you have. But I do have another guest scheduled and..."
"No no, you don't understand. I need to reassure the American people that being under heavy medication and having to rest in the darkness all day would have no impact on my performance as president."
"But it obviously would."
"I don't think that's obvious at all, Greta. My headaches are brought about by stress, so all I would need to do is avoid stressful situations."
"It's my understanding that the presidency is inherently stressful."
"You are not doing a lot to keep me calm, Greta... There is such a thing as a vice president. And the president gets a lot of vacation time, so if I have to be out a couple of days, I'll count it as that. Problem solved. Can I have a glass of water? I need to take a couple of pills."
"You're not getting a headache now, are you?"
"No, but you should have seen me yesterday. I had a raging migraine. All these reporters were hurling questions at me about my headaches, and there was this one persistent ABC guy..."
Oh, I heard about that. Your team roughed him up, didn't they?"
"I just asked them to keep him quiet. It's not my responsibility, I was having a headache at the time. The media ought to know better than to harass somebody who..."
"Hi, Greta. I was just sitting in the Green Room eating a pear, and I noticed it was past time for the show to start, so..."
"Who is this?"
"That's Bristol Palin, Congresswoman Bachmann."
"I know it's Bristol Palin, I've seen her in the Inquirer. I mean, what's she doing on my show?"
"She's my guest tonight."
"But you're talking to me. Oh... Ooooh... And besides, you had her on just last week."
"She's a Palin."
"Oh! Oh oh owwww! I am starting to feel just a little bit stressed. Owwww. What's she going to do, hawk her book again?"

"Yes I am! It's called 'Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far."
"Ahroooooooo! Owwww oww oh... What do you know of life?... Can you please turn the lights down in the studio, Greta?"
"Maybe I should go..."
"No... Owwwww... I'll go. It's far too noisy in here anyway... Ahrooooo! Ah ah ah... Greta, I'll be resting in your dressing room.. Ow! Ow! please try not to put any lights on later if you you feel you have to get in... Owwwww!"
"Well, thank you for dropping by... Boy, that was pretty weird."
"I'll say. My mom looks completely normal by comparison."

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