He used to mow my lawn

In other news that most of you have missed, another of al-Qaeda's many Number Two in Commands™ was terminated in Pakistan last week when a CIA drone blew his ass to hell. Atiyah Abd al-Rahman was 41, and had only been a member of the dwindling terrorist group for three days at the time of the incident.   In recent times, the Number Two in Command™ for al-Qaeda has become a largely ceremonial position, sometimes referred to as 'piggy in the middle' due to it's proclivity for ending the existence of those who hold the title. Rahman was an assistant manager at a small electronics store in Islamabad at the time of his 'promotion', but was instantly fired by his boss, a man said to be unsympathetic to the cause.   "Rahman was quite surprised when al-Qaeda made the announcement," said his mother Sally. "He had only sent in his membership application back in June and hadn't even had the opportunity to be a noble foot soldier yet. I told him 'Rahman, no good can come of this, they're killing number twos quicker than they can appoint them', but you know how boys are. He was really looking forward to growing a beard, and I guess he saw this as an opportunity to make a name for himself."   Ironically, Rahman failed, handing in his dinner pail during a news cycle dominated by more exciting disasters such as Hurricane Irene and the candidacy of Rick Perry. There is also a growing tendency to not give a shit about any further victories in the War on Terror until they can be presided over by a Republican president.   "He was always such a quiet boy, and he had those big brown eyes," said a long-time neighbor of Rahman's family. "Of course, everyone in Pakistan has big brown eyes, but his always seemed bigger. And browner, if such a thing is possible. Maybe I'm just being emotional about his unexpected appearance on the worm buffet, but I can't help but feel that if he hadn't assumed room temperature he might have talked some sense into those al-Qaeda people. He used to cut my grass, and all he asked for in return was a glass of water and a few rupees to buy bullets."