Wednesday, August 17, 2011

an open letter from Rick Perry

I'm sorry, Mister Paul,  it's not just your imagination, the media really is ignoring you. And I'm going to ignore you too, just as soon as I finish this letter. It's not your fault, not at all. You really have done a heck of a job putting a face on the Libertarian movement, and I believe that before you entered politics - what, thirty-five years ago? - you delivered over 4,00 babies, enough to qualify you for the prestigious Stork Award. And you've certainly made a heck of a case for bringing back the gold standard. LOL, as Sarah Failin' would say.
The fact, though, is that the greatest president in our lifetime... Wait, let me rephrase that, the president with the greatest handlers in our lifetime, was sixty-nine when he took office and he was already getting more than a little feeble in the head. From what I've heard he was a real handful, raising taxes, raising the debt limit about a thousand times, even appointing Alan Greenspan, the inventor of TARP, to the Federal Reserve. The presidency is clearly no office for old men.
Now it hasn't escaped my notice that you'll be turning seventy-six on Saturday, so happy birthday old fella. May you have many more, although I sincerely doubt it. Far be it from me to suggest that you're already as senile as Reagan was when he hung it up, but I haven't heard anybody else yammering on about how it wouldn't matter if Iran was to have a nuclear device. Good God, man, what are we supposed to do for enemies? Taking out those anti-Zionists could be one hell of a boon to our economy if you know what I mean, and I know that you do, cause if my math is correct, you're old enough to remember WWII. At any rate, you must have read about it.
Like Reagan proved, being a relic from a bygone era is not necessarily a handicap to electability. Hell, with the right handlers, you could probably even spin your legalization of heroin bit. Make it a state's rights issue, that's what I'd do, and let me tell you something, hoss, I don't even have a handler.
No, the reason you're never going to be president is that nobody wants a Whiner-in-Chief. I saw you on FOX News yesterday crying about how the media was ignoring you - seems like kind of a bizarre thing to say when you're talking to Hannity, but you're right, you're right. They are ignoring you, but not because of you're crazy eyes. The media eats that up, just look at Sister Bachmann if you doubt it. You've outlived your shelf life, that's your problem, so if you want my advise (and I know you don't), get out of the race now while you've still got some dignity left. Nah, ignore that. It's already a little too late.
Sincerely yours,

Rick Perry

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