an open letter from Rick Perry

I'm sorry, Mister Paul,  it's not just your imagination, the media really is ignoring you. And I'm going to ignore you too, just as soon as I finish this letter. It's not your fault, not at all. You really have done a heck of a job putting a face on the Libertarian movement, and I believe that before you entered politics - what, thirty-five years ago? - you delivered over 4,00 babies, enough to qualify you for the prestigious Stork Award. And you've certainly made a heck of a case for bringing back the gold standard. LOL, as Sarah Failin' would say.   The fact, though, is that the greatest president in our lifetime... Wait, let me rephrase that, the president with the greatest handlers in our lifetime, was sixty-nine when he took office and he was already getting more than a little feeble in the head. From what I've heard he was a real handful, raising taxes, raising the debt limit about a thousand times, even appointing Alan Greenspan, the inventor of TARP, to the Federal Reserve. The presidency is clearly no office for old men.   Now it hasn't escaped my notice that you'll be turning seventy-six on Saturday, so happy birthday old fella. May you have many more, although I sincerely doubt it. Far be it from me to suggest that you're already as senile as Reagan was when he hung it up, but I haven't heard anybody else yammering on about how it wouldn't matter if Iran was to have a nuclear device. Good God, man, what are we supposed to do for enemies? Taking out those anti-Zionists could be one hell of a boon to our economy if you know what I mean, and I know that you do, cause if my math is correct, you're old enough to remember WWII. At any rate, you must have read about it.   Like Reagan proved, being a relic from a bygone era is not necessarily a handicap to electability. Hell, with the right handlers, you could probably even spin your legalization of heroin bit. Make it a state's rights issue, that's what I'd do, and let me tell you something, hoss, I don't even have a handler.   No, the reason you're never going to be president is that nobody wants a Whiner-in-Chief. I saw you on FOX News yesterday crying about how the media was ignoring you - seems like kind of a bizarre thing to say when you're talking to Hannity, but you're right, you're right. They are ignoring you, but not because of you're crazy eyes. The media eats that up, just look at Sister Bachmann if you doubt it. You've outlived your shelf life, that's your problem, so if you want my advise (and I know you don't), get out of the race now while you've still got some dignity left. Nah, ignore that. It's already a little too late.   Sincerely yours, Rick Perry

lemmings

Congressman Ron Paul continued in his contrarian ways today by being one of only four Republicans in the House to vote against the Paul Ryan budget proposal to pretend to fix the deficit problem by dismantling Medicaid and Social Welfare programs and investing the money in the top two percent of earners. "What, do I look like I was born in a barn?" Paul asked in a CNN interview shortly after the vote. "I'm not going to follow a gaggle of lemmings over a cliff. Sure, I know that lemmings don't actually commit mass suicide but apparently Republicans do."   Fellow House Republicans were quick to label Paul as the worst sort of opportunist, a charge that Majority Leader Eric Cantor swiftly picked up on.   "I'd say that calling Ron Paul an opportunist was actually being kind," Cantor said, obviously still hurting from not being able to deliver the entire GOP caucus the way his old boss Boehner could. "What are you bringing up Boehner for? He has nothing to do with the topic at hand. I was saying that Ron Paul is worse than an opportunist, he's a survivalist. And he doesn't know nearly as much about lemmings as he seems to think."   "I didn't realize that my young friend Eric fancied himself as an expert on lemmings," said Cantor's old boss Boehner. "Nevertheless, much of what we think we know about lemmings often turns out to be wrong. You know who else considered himself an expert on lemmings? Ziegler of Strasbourg, the fourteenth century geographer. He believed that lemmings materialized out of thin air and fell to earth during storms."   "Speaker Boehner is correct as far as he goes," said budget author Ryan, "But I would have preferred him to paint a more complete picture. It's true that Ziegler of Strasbourg believed that lemmings were a product of spontaneous generation, but natural historian Ole Worm proved that the only reasons they fell out of the sky was that they were blown there by the wind."   "I don't know why we're digressing into this obscure conversation about Scandinavian atheists," shot back Cantor. "I think that all good Republicans can accept the fact that God made lemmings out of dust on the fifth day of Creation and just leave it at that."   "The sixth day of Creation," corrected Boehner. "I'm surprised that my young friend doesn't remember that the fifth day is when God created birds and seafood, but in Eric's defense, he is of the Jewish persuasion."