lemmings

Congressman Ron Paul continued in his contrarian ways today by being one of only four Republicans in the House to vote against the Paul Ryan budget proposal to pretend to fix the deficit problem by dismantling Medicaid and Social Welfare programs and investing the money in the top two percent of earners. "What, do I look like I was born in a barn?" Paul asked in a CNN interview shortly after the vote. "I'm not going to follow a gaggle of lemmings over a cliff. Sure, I know that lemmings don't actually commit mass suicide but apparently Republicans do."   Fellow House Republicans were quick to label Paul as the worst sort of opportunist, a charge that Majority Leader Eric Cantor swiftly picked up on.   "I'd say that calling Ron Paul an opportunist was actually being kind," Cantor said, obviously still hurting from not being able to deliver the entire GOP caucus the way his old boss Boehner could. "What are you bringing up Boehner for? He has nothing to do with the topic at hand. I was saying that Ron Paul is worse than an opportunist, he's a survivalist. And he doesn't know nearly as much about lemmings as he seems to think."   "I didn't realize that my young friend Eric fancied himself as an expert on lemmings," said Cantor's old boss Boehner. "Nevertheless, much of what we think we know about lemmings often turns out to be wrong. You know who else considered himself an expert on lemmings? Ziegler of Strasbourg, the fourteenth century geographer. He believed that lemmings materialized out of thin air and fell to earth during storms."   "Speaker Boehner is correct as far as he goes," said budget author Ryan, "But I would have preferred him to paint a more complete picture. It's true that Ziegler of Strasbourg believed that lemmings were a product of spontaneous generation, but natural historian Ole Worm proved that the only reasons they fell out of the sky was that they were blown there by the wind."   "I don't know why we're digressing into this obscure conversation about Scandinavian atheists," shot back Cantor. "I think that all good Republicans can accept the fact that God made lemmings out of dust on the fifth day of Creation and just leave it at that."   "The sixth day of Creation," corrected Boehner. "I'm surprised that my young friend doesn't remember that the fifth day is when God created birds and seafood, but in Eric's defense, he is of the Jewish persuasion."