"Nice central bank you got here. Shame if something should happen to it." - Ezra Klein
As the Central Bank ponders it's next step, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is certain of only one thing - one wrong move and he's in for a world of hurt.
He's in a precarious position, and has already been warned about the consequences of missteps by no less of a luminary than economic mastermind Governor Rick Perry, the man who single-handedly created twenty-three million jobs in Texas, and warned Bernanke a full month ago not to be "printin' more money."
"Printin' more money to play politics at this particular time in American history," Perry said, pausing to lick his lips and finger his concealed weapon, "is almost treasonous. In my humble opinion, that is. Hellfire, did I say almost? I don't want to be hedging my words, so you can just forget about that one. If this varmint prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Texas ugly."
"Oh man, that sure sounds like a threat to me," Bernanke said at the time. "I mean, treason is a capital offense, and Governor Perry is not known for his leniency, so just in case he's the next president, I guess the one thing I don't want to be doing is printin' more money."
Since Perry's dire warning, Bernanke has received a cavalcade of insults, ultimatums, and veiled threats from every corner of the RepubliTea™ party. And then this Monday, just hours before the Fed was scheduled to convene it's quarterly meeting, Bernanke received a letter hand delivered by a large man named Luigi signed by the four horsemen of the RepubliTea™ party, Boehner, McConnell, Kyl, and the odious Cantor.
"Dear Chairman Bernanke," it began ironically, "It is our understanding that the Board Members of the Federal Reserve will meet later this week to consider additional monetary stimulus proposals. We write to express our reservations about any such measures." The letter then went on to suggest that the very best thing the Fed could do was absolutely nothing, and "that if, God forbid, the economy should somehow happen to improve before the 2012 election, your ass is grass and we're the human lawnmower."
"We obviously couldn't just do nothing," Bernanke said this afternoon following the Feds announcements of it's latest move. "So we've taken a middle course which should kind of look like nothing to these, uh, fine statesmen, which is to rebalance our portfolio, shifting some of our short-term securities into long-term holdings. Surely that can't be construed as some kind of monetary stimulus or..."
"Did somebody just call me a statesman? Where is that bearded socialist? Just wait till I get my hands on that treasonous varmint!"
"Uh oh," said Bernanke, breaking out into a sweat. "I think that was Rick Perry and it sounds like he's heading my way."
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