| Rock in peace, Thaddeus McCotter, rock in peace. |
In the saddest news of the day, the Jimi Hendrix of the GOP has abandoned his dream of somehow becoming president of the United States, a move so shocking that the Dow dropped nearly 400 points in response. In spite of the development, FOX News callously announced that they would not cancel tonight's Republican debate.
"I'm as upset as anyone by the news," said FOX programming chief Roger Ailes, "which is to say, not all that upset. Still, the show must go on, as I'm sure Thaddeus would say if we were to bother asking him. But in his honor, we are including Gary Johnson, another totally unknown candidate."
"Friggin Gary Johnson," grumbled McCotter, playing the opening bars of 'Satisfaction', of which he has been able to get none. "Some guys have all the luck. The only thing anyone knows about him is that he wants to legalize pot. Well, guess what, Gary Johnson, I'm high right now, and I can play this guitar just like a ringing bell."
"He can't play that guitar just like a ringing bell," said Mike Huckabee, the greatest living GOP bass player. "If he could, I would have had him on my show long ago. The man can't even play a simple riff like 'Satisfaction'. At any rate, I would say that it's always sad to see a dream die, but seeing as how he said he's throwing his support to my arch-enemy Mitt Romney, I think I'll just keep my mouth shut."
"Oh, great," said Romney. "That's one more vote I can count on."
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