Tuesday, April 10, 2012

and then there was Mitt

Thanks so much for that wonderful introduction, Governor Corbett, and of course for your wonderful endorsement. Let me just start out by saying how great it is to be back here in the great state of Pennsylvania. In particular I have a special fondness for Chester County, which is the not only the most beautiful but also the most affluent in the entire state. The thing I like the most is that you have all the advantages of the great city of Philadelphia without having to actually live there. I'm sure Governor Corbett here agrees with me, don't you, Governor? You don't go into Philly, do you? No, I didn't think so, there's a good reason the people of Chester County call it Filthydelphia. They've got this mayor, Mayor Nutter, and I'd just say that he's aptly named. He's already endorsed Barack Obama and... it's okay, folks, you can boo, I'm pretty sure Mayor Nutter isn't in attendance.
Anyway, here in Chester County, things just seem right. The air is clean and you can walk down the street without fearing for your life. The good people look you straight in the eye and they don't try to rook you into playing Three Card Monte. And you have the same wonderful cheesesteaks that they do in Philly, only here in Chester County you can eat them with a fork and knife and no one thinks a thing about it.

Well, here we are folks. This is where the rubber meets the road, only seven months until the big dance. Any Rick Santorum supporters here today? A few, I see a few hands... Sorry about that, folks, but believe me, I'm really going to appreciate your support, even if it's due to the fact that you've pretty much run out of other options. I suppose you could always throw your vote away on Newt or even Ron Paul, but from what Governor Corbett tells me, the people of Chester County don't roll that way. And you could vote to give the most radical president in history another four years. I know that Mayor Nutter will but then he doesn't live here in Chester County where you can get your cheesesteaks made with brie for no extra charge.
I want to say something that I've been wanting to say for many months now - I'm your only viable remaining option. Really. It's come down to this. But it's okay, I know I've had the support of the good people of Chester County on my side all along. I'm someone that you all can relate to, someone who shares your concerns... The rest of the state is a little tougher, you know, like James Carville once said, Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh on the right, Philadelphia on the left, and Alabama in the middle. Considering the alternative, we should take Pittsburgh, just say to heck with Philly, and work hard to convince Alabama, that in the words of that great song, they can't always get what they want but I'm pretty certain that I'm what they need. Something like that. Okay, now that Santorum is out of the picture, let me take this opportunity to up my pander and tell you a little about the new Obama agenda. And no, I'm not the Etch-a-sketch candidate, I'm more like a computer and now it's time to reboot...


  1. "Pittsburgh on the right, Philadelphia on the left..."
    Say what? You are looking at the map upside down. And actually, State College is in the middle, much like a Carnival cruise ship floating in that Alabama sea.

  2. I can actually see Romney making this speech as the opening remarks for bingo night at The Kiwanis Club.