Wednesday, March 21, 2012

And just like my tragically failed 2012 budget...

"...this close cousin has the power to fundamentally transform the economy in ten short years. Now as you'll notice here on the next graph, the CBO's projection of the national debt over the next ten years after my budget is passed shows it going bug-shit crazy in 2014, then steadily going down until the end of 2022 where it shoots back up a wee little bit and then plateaus. So basically we get one hell of a roller coaster ride out of it and it really doesn't cost us that much at all."
"Uh, Congressman Ryan, I'm having trouble reading the little numbers from here, but isn't your budget actually raising the debt by about five trillion?"
"I haven't called for question time yet, Andrea, so I'm a little reluctant to answer that question lest I be seen as rewarding your impertinence. Still, I can't let that bit of misinformation from you just lay out there and fester like some moldy chunk of cheap cheese. Government cheese if you please, the kind the government will no longer be handing out for the price of a stamp under my superlative new budget, a budget which is not only frugal but cruel and very, very cool. Raoul?"
"Don't you have a question?"
"No, I don't have a question, and I never heard you call for question time. You think just because I'm from FOX News I've got a question for you? What, did you imagine that you saw me over here waving my hand and jumping up and down or something?"
"I'm terribly sorry, Raoul, I guess I was stereotyping you a little by assuming you would have a question, and..."
"Andrea had a question. Why don't you answer that one?"
"I thought she was being a little disrespectful by asking a question before I called for question time, and so I..."
"You still haven't called for question time, Congressman, so I'd say you've been overcome by events. Now stop with the Little Miss Prissy Pants routine and answer Andrea's damn question."
"I disagree with your assertion that I'm acting like a Little Miss Prissy Pants, Raoul, but the sad fact is that the essence of Andrea's question has now totally slipped my mind."
"She asked if your budget raises the debt by five trillion."
"Oh... No, no it does not. It only raises the debt by four trillion and change. And of course that's in 2023 dollars. Anyone else? Oh come on, this is a totally revolutionary budget proposal. You're going to tell me nobody else has a question?"
"I do. Are you..."
"I'm sorry, Andrea, you already had a question."
"No I didn't. Raoul had a question."
"Okay, now technically that's true, but the fact of the matter is that he was asking your question, so it..."
"Don't you speak for me, Congressman. I think I'm going to take credit for that question, okay? Now how do you like them apples?"
"I would tell you how I like them apples, Raoul, but since you've decided to take credit for the previous query I would inadvertently be rewarding you with a second question. Well, Andrea, I suppose you get a question as a technicality."
"Oh wow, that is so very generous of you, seeing as how everyone is so dumfounded by your presentation that they don't even want to discuss it. You're cutting over five trillion from Medicaid, Medicare, welfare, federal pensions, and farm support and spending four and a half trillion of it on tax cuts for the wealthy. You're doing a reverse Robin Hood and..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it right there, Andrea, I believe in people who pull themselves up by the bootstraps... What I'm doing is getting rid of a safety net which lulls able-bodied people into lives of complacency and dependency, which drains them of their very will and incentive to make the most of their lives. It’s demeaning."
"Your plan is what's demeaning, and, point of order, I still haven't asked a question. So here you go. Do you actually believe the House will vote for your budget?"
"Hey, that's an easy question. Yes. Yes I do. Okay, who else has a question? Come on, people, I've got..."
"Congressman Ryan, are you suicidal?"
"I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to answer that, Roger. I saw Andrea whispering in your ear, so I'm assuming that she planted the question."
"No she didn't."
"I'm not going to get into a game of 'he said she said' with you, Roger, so if I'm wrong at least I err on the side of question time protocol. Okay, anyone else? ...No? ...Well, silence implies consent, doesn't it? ...Doesn't it? ...Okay, whatever, thanks for coming..."

1 comment:

  1. I'm from Wisconsin, and this infamous dickweed has been embarrassing to us for a long time. He seems to be convinced if he ups the ante on crazy with every bill he presents, his peers will eventually make him king or something.