Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Natural

"...and then I tried this one on him - you might be a redneck if you pick your teeth using a catalog... Mitt, he looks at me and says 'I prefer to use a water pic but I might be open to using a wooden toothpick while I'm here if it's in a sanitary package. But I'm sorry, Jeff, I'm not going to use a catalog, it's just not who I am'... Man just didn't get it. Course he's got a beautiful set of choppers."
"Thank you, Jeff."
"So I told him, you might be a redneck if your wallets on a chain but your dog ain't. Right? Right? And ole Mitt, he's shakin his head, and I know that he just don't understand. So I say, outta frustration,  you might be a Romney if your valet has your wallet and your dog is chained to the roof of your car.. and he just howls."
"Like my dog Seamus when he rides up there. I could relate to that one, and to my understanding, relating is the very essence of humor. We found common ground then and there and a beautiful friendship was born."
"Kinda. He watched me drink a beer."
"I sure did. And then I ate a catfish, for just the second time in my life. It was delicious, just like the one I ate in 2008."
"Fact is, he kinda picked at it. And he didn't touch his cornbread. But that's the kinda guy Mitt is, true to himself."
"And true to you rednecks if you're kind enough to give me your votes... Here, let me try one. There's a good chance that you're a redneck if you don't believe in evolution... No? You don't get that? See, it's funny because it's true... I don't believe in evolution either, not really... Not in so many words. But the point is..."
"You're losin 'em, Mitt."
"No, wait, let me try one more. There's a strong possibility that you're a redneck if you believe that President Obama is actually a Muslim. And you're definitely a redneck if you believe that not only is Obama is a Muslim but that he was born in..."
"Stop it, Mitt, stop it right now. Don't make me sorry I endorsed you... I'm sorry, folks, he's not from round here and, well, he's got a great sense of humor in his own way, and..."
"See, it's funny because it's true. Crazy, yes, but crazy in a lovable sort of way..."
"Goddammit, Mitt, put a sock in it! Everybody's leavin!"
 "Wait! I love the South and I love rednecks and I'd love to have your vote!"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Hold on! I've got some of those pigs-in-a-blanket that I hear rednecks love! Hey, I'm pretty sure that you're a redneck if you go out and vote for Mitt Romney! Get it? It's funny because rednecks love to do things that work against their own self interest... Jeff, where you going?... Jeff..."

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