Sunday, March 4, 2012

my sincere apologies

It's Monday, everybody, and I am the incomparable Maharushie Rush Limbaugh sitting here behind the golden EIB microphone, ready to bring you the fastest three hours in talk radio. Fast for you, anyway... For me, I imagine those hours will begin rather slowly as I muddle through a few interminably long moments of quasi-apology for my unfortunate remarks of last week before turning to far more important issues, such as Charlie Sheen's 'intern' taking a job with the Obama campaign. Is that how the Anointed One intends on winning? We should have been able to see that coming online, although I'm just now getting a signal from the control booth warning me to stay away from references about being able to see anyone or anything coming online...
Ladies and gentlemen, I realize that this is going to be something you've never heard me say before on the airwaves, something you never imagined you would hear coming from my mouth, but the truth is, I could really use a good cup of coffee... I really could... The sad thing is that I don't believe we have any here in the EIB studio. Maxwell House used to be one of our sponsors but then one day when I made fun of Michael J Fox's for having Parkinson symptoms, and said that he should lay off the Maxwell House French Roast, they told me that was the last drop...
I could use a little pick me up... I'm tired... I've lost a lot of sleep the past few days... I've lost Sleep Number mattresses, which quite frankly, is everything you could ever want memory foam to feel like and more. And I've lost Sleep Train Mattress Center, which is your ticket to a better night's sleep, as well as being the best place on earth to get a Sleep Number mattress. At Sleep Train you won't need to take a loan to get a Sleep Number, which is excellent news since I've also lost Quicken Loans.
Once again, I am a victim of those who hate America and would like to banish conservative voices like mine from the airwaves. As the injured party in this matter, I would get a lawyer except for the tragic fact that on Friday I lost Legal Zoom and since I lost Carbonite at the same time, I don't have a backup plan.
At this moment I have very little choice but to apologize for being the victim of circumstances beyond my control. This is eerily  reminiscent of the aforementioned Maxwell House incident or the misunderstanding with Toyota after I had a little fun with the Japanese tsunami. America has become so politically correct that freedom of speech is almost an alien concept... Nabisco even took offense a couple years ago when I suggested they rename their new double stuffed Oreo as the Orbameo. I thought that I was handing them a brilliant idea, but then again I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that they wouldn't want to be associated with this president... I sure do miss those cookies...
So here I am again in the sinner's corner. If not for the fact that my mind is so much quicker than that of an ordinary human I would have caught myself before my wit had a chance to spew forth. It's a little like chess, you have to think ten moves ahead, and when you talk about a hot young co-ed having enormous amounts of sex and wanting us to pay for it, you've got to realize that some listeners are going to think that you're talking about having that sex in a Sleep Train bed on a Sleep Number mattress, and advertisers can be sensitive to that type of reference, even though it was made with no harmful intentions.
So to these advertisers I offer my heartfelt apology. My choice of words was not the best, and in my brilliant attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir, the way only I can. But now that you understand my intentions were innocent, I beseech my sponsors to return with all due hast. I've already forgiven you for questioning my motives and I've really got to make it to the men's room in the next ten or fifteen minutes...


  1. Your shit is getting better all the time, Mark. This is brilliant.

  2. Thanks Paul. I think it's just that I haven't been posting as much, so it's surrounded by less crap.

  3. Aw, Sweet Wingnut Justice. I've missed it!

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