Sanford looks to the future

Thursday was an expensive day for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, where in the span of the afternoon a judge separated him from his wife and the state ethics commission separated him from $74,000. Details of the divorce settlement were not made public, but according to a senior aide "they made those piddling ethics fines look like chump change". "At only $2000 per violation, this really was a bargain," said Sanford, who says his real crime was not violating the law more lucratively. "I used cars for unofficial business, flew first class instead of coach, boring, penny-ante stuff. You know, as Governor a lot of really good opportunities for graft present themselves, and I really haven't taken advantage of them. I guess I'm a little immature, like Jenny says, but I've learned an awful lot these past few months. I've done hardly any influence peddling, and, holy cow, just look at the calendar. I'll probably never have this much influence to pedal again, so Katy bar the door, I'm looking at a busy final year." "Oooh," said Katy, switching down the deadbolt. "I love a man who lives for danger."

Mark Sanford hits the trifecta

"You know, it wasn't that long ago that my faith was feeling a bit challenged," said a beaming Mark Sanford. "My wife found out that I was cheating on her, I was getting hassled at my job, and I really wasn't sure what I was going to do with my future. Well, all I can say is, what a difference a day makes. It's quite clear that somebody up there likes me. And to be honest, I can't say that I blame them." It really has been quite a week for the South Carolina governor, one that has see his fortunes rises from the ashes like the mighty Phoenix, which, coincidentally, just happens to be the state bird of the Palmetto State. "That's an apt reference," chuckles Sanford, "and one that I am happy to embody. You know, in Greek mythology, the Phoenix had a tale of scarlet and gold. Mine is pink, but it's holding up quite nicely if I do say so myself." On Wednesday, the state legislative panel dropped their silly attempts to impeach Sanford for actions that nobody in their right mind could possibly consider criminal. "The legislature told me, 'We can't impeach you for hypocrisy'," said Sanford. "'We can't impeach you for arrogance. We can't impeach an officeholder for your lack of leadership skills'. I just looked at those guys and said, damn right you can't, what the hell is wrong with you bozos?" Then, early Friday, estranged wife Jenny Sanford filed for divorce from the Governor on the grounds of adultery. "As Jenny said, this is all my fault," said the publicly chastened Sanford. "I'm a bad boy, a moral failure, yada yada yada. Well, what can I say? It's not like she was the love of my life or anything." Nevertheless, Sanford is willing to express some regrets. "I'll miss the boys, I suppose, but my friends who have split up all tell me absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I do have their email addresses, so our relationship will remain virtually the same. Get it? Virtually? Heh heh, I like to think of myself as a high-tech governor. But a governor not much longer. It's a coincidence, but on Wednesday I was contacted by Universal about a role... I'm going to play Julius Blankfield, James Bond's best friend in the next picture. Ain't that a kick in the pants? It doesn't have a name yet, just 'James Bond 23', but Daniel Craig has signed on, and Judy Dench is going to be back,and  it should be a blast. It starts shooting later next year. I'll still be governor, but I guess as long as I tell the South Carolina legislature where I am and don't use state transportation, they don't really have much they can say about it. I was worried about working it out with the ex, but now, what the hey, no problem. And if that wasn't enough luck for one man, we're going to be shooting a lot of it on location in Buenos Aires." 9TSP8NDK277V