Much to the distress of the South Carolina political aristocracy, surprise Democratic primary victor Alvin Greene has been cleared of all charges of campaign finance irregularities, with law enforcement officials determining that he was able to pay the enormous filing fee of $10,400 all by himself, even though he is currently collecting unemployment benefits. "It kind of make me sick," said Governor Mark Sanford. "I've long felt that $1000 a month is overly generous for a state as cash strapped as ours and this is in your face proof of that belief. Alvin Greene has obviously gamed the system, and now he wants to be rewarded with a cushy career in the Senate. Yeah, sure, he said it was money he saved while he was in the army, but that doesn't make it all right. We don't need politicians who are on the public dole. Uh, maybe I should rephrase that." Greene will be running against beloved Tea Party mascot Jim DeMint as the self described 'best person to be Time magazine's Man of the Year', and if he manages to knock off DeMint in that loony-bin of a state, he will surely prove himself worthy of that sobriquet. His campaign focus will be on job creation, an area in which he should have particular credibility, and one in which he has fresh new ideas with which to restart South Carolina's manufacturing sector. "Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays," he told the awestruck Guardian UK. "Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs." "It certainly would, and South Carolina toys would probably not have all that annoying lead in them like the Chinese ones do," says South Carolina pundit Kathleen Parker, who recently offered conclusive proof that Barack Obama was America's first female president. "I love Greene's idea, and this state has a ready cast of characters. You could have a toy Mark Sanford with a little hiking outfit, and a toy Joe Barton with an insertable foot. I would love to have a little Nikki Haley doll that I could dress up in adorable little saris, and don't even get me started on how much fun I would have with a cute little Lindsey Graham or a demented DeMint troll. I already have a toy Alvin Greene action figure. It was custom made and quite expensive, but it was well worth it just to have a mate for my Obama Barbie."

"She told me she hadn't had a bite all week. So I bit her."

Andre Bauer, after shooting himself in the foot once again. South Carolina Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer, the man who is only a heartbeat away from walking the Appalachian Trail, attempted today to back away slightly from comments he made at a Town Hall meeting Friday, where he compared those individuals who receive government assistance to stray animals. "My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed," Bauer told what we can safely assume was an adoring and non-breeding South Carolina audience. "You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that. And so what you’ve got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better." "I wish I had used a different metaphor," Bauer told CNN today, obviously regretting that he hadn't used his simile about garden slugs instead. "I never intended to tie people to animals," he said, moments before once again comparing people to animals, albeit the cuttest and cuddliest ones that his firecracker mind could come up with. "If you have a cat, if you take it in your house and feed it and love it, what happens when you go out of town?" Well, what exactly does happen when you go out of town? Bauer never answered his own question, but we are pretty sure that we know the answer. It begins with the consumption of all available resources, followed by a period of bewilderment and desperation, and ends with a slow and agonizing death. Not the best metaphor either, Andre.