Simian superstar swings no more

North Koreans pay respect to the passing of two great icons   Cheetah, perhaps the most famous primate in history under a hundred feet tall, has quietly passed away from kidney failure. He was 80 at the time of his demise, making him quite an old chimpanzee indeed. The star of the early 'Tarzan' movies outlived both of his human co-stars, Maureen O'Sullivan, who played jungle beauty 'Jane' and Johnny Weissmuller, who played the titular role of Daniel 'Tarzan' Montgomery.   The lovable chimp who's full name was Cheetah-Mike, was one of many monkeys to play the character, but critics universally agreed that he was the personification of the role.   "None of the other chimps ever approached the quality of his work," said New York Times film critic A.O. Scott. "He created the role and played it for all it was worth, always ready to mug for the camera or let loose with that delightful squeal of his. He did his own stunts, which is something that today's monkey's would never dream of. It's a shame that he never broke out of the ghetto of Tarzan movies - I would have given anything to see what he could do in a film like 'On the Waterfront'."   Cheetah spent his final days at Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Florida, where he spent his time fingerpainting, watching football, and for some disturbing reason, listening to Christian music.   Upon hearing of his death, O'Sullivan's daughter Mia Farrow affectionately tweeted that her mother always referred to Cheetah as 'that bastard', the first in what is sure to be a long series of moving tributes.

King of All Peters

Republican House Chair of the Homeland Security Peter King sat down with the Sunday papers this weekend and was stunned by what he found inside - an attempt by Hollywood liberals to possibly portray Barack Obama in a positive light.   King read in horror about the left-wing director Kathryn Bigelow, Oscar winner for 'The Hurt Locker', and her plot to release a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden mere weeks before the 2012 presidential election. He knew at once the frightening implication - the Obama administration was obviously passing along highly classified information about the nation's most sensitive military operations.   "You bet your boots this calls for a big-time investigation, and I'm just the guy to lead it" said the angry congressman. "There is wrongdoing afoot here - my scrutinizing senses are tingling like a pocket rocket.   "I was right in the middle of my investigation into New York Times subversive Maureen Dowd when I stumbled onto her shocking story about possible wrong-doing by the president," revealed the Peter King. "These people, these left-wing so-called journalists, they don't think that a real conservative is going to pay attention to the sort of propaganda they write, but they don't realize that some of us are ever vigilant, even on Sunday mornings. Dowd made the amateurish mistake of revealing in print Obama's nefarious plot to pump up his bonafides right before a national election. This film is an attempt to make him look decisive and competent, and that is not an option that the American people can afford to take lightly."   "It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest to find that they intend to have someone like Will Smith, someone the public has come to love and trust, play the part of Obama. And I'll bet that Joe Biden will be played by Harrison Ford. Insidious, yes, but that wouldn't surprise me one iota. These are people that have no sense of shame."

Memento

I wanted to interrupt my vacation to speak to the Dayton Kiwanis Club for a few moments this afternoon, starting with a couple of remarks about the vicious attack that the Vice President launched against me this past Tuesday. It's no problem being here today, because for me, this is a recess in name only. Since the House adjourned, I've been busy toiling away for you, the American people. As they say, a future Speaker's work is never done, although I did see that video yesterday of Nancy Pelosi on a jet ski. Heh heh heh. That's okay, because the future former Speaker's work is so done that you might as well go ahead and stick a fork in it. Vice President Biden accused me of being nostalgic for the good old days when millions of Americans saw their paychecks shrink or their jobs, houses, and savings vanish. I would respond to him by saying that one cannot be nostalgic about the present. Unless, of course, you're like the guy in that classic movie I once saw called 'Memento'. I believe the lead character was named Leonard, and he had a condition that had destroyed his short term memory. The point is that the only thing he could remember was the past, so he was in fact quite nostalgic for the present. I believe that we are currently being governed by an administration of Leonards, and let me tell you, that movie does not end well. Now if I may continue with my analogy, there is another character in Memento named Teddy, played by Joe Pantolino. You may remember him as the character Ralph Cifaretto in 'The Sopranos'. Now Teddy, you're not sure exactly who he is. He may be an undercover cop or he may be someone who's a little bit on the shady side, but I like to think of him as the leadership of the modern Republican party. Teddy is trying to get Leonard to understand what's happening in the present, but because of Leonard's condition that's a Sisyphean challenge. You see, Leonard doesn't just forget what happened to him yesterday, if he gets distracted, he can forget what happened to him five minutes ago. And like this administration, Leonard gets distracted a lot. Why is Teddy trying to help Leonard? The truth is, he's trying to help the American people, because Leonard is on a very dangerous mission and he's probably going to do something crazy. In fact, his entire mission is insane. He's trying to find the man that he believes murdered his wife, which for purposes of this analogy symbolizes the American economy. That's the last thing Leonard can remember, someone raping and strangling his wife. Everything after that is a cipher. I hope you're not having trouble following me, but this movie is such an amazing parallel that it would be well worth your time to check it out so that you can fully understand what is happening in America today. Again, it's called Memento, it's directed by Christopher Nolan, and when you understand what it's really all about, it will chill you to the core. Now like I said, the last thing Leonard/Obama can remember is his economy/wife being near death, but being unable to make new memories, he has a hell of a time investigating it. His solution is to take Polaroids of everything and to label them. If he thinks he has a really important clue, he tattoos it on his body. That way, when he gets up in the morning, he can look in the mirror and try to piece together what is going on. If he remembers to look in the mirror, that is. Needless to say, a lot of these tattoos are backwards so that he can read them. That's a metaphor I'm sure I don't need to explain. What the hell sort of evidence is that, you're probably thinking, it can't be very reliable. Indeed it is not. There comes a day when Teddy is trying to break through to Leonard and the truth is so disturbing to him that he writes 'Don't believe his lies' on the back of Teddy's photograph. So the next morning when he wakes up and reviews his Polaroids, all he thinks he knows is that there is a man named Teddy that he should not trust. You see what's happening? This is now part of Leonard's 'evidence'. For the sake of brevity, I'm leaving a lot out, here. There's a whole back story of what Leonard's life used to be in the days leading up to his accident, an accident which in this case symbolizes Obama's election. Needless to say, Leonard's pre-accident memory isn't any more reliable than his post-accident memory. This way lies madness. Yes, this way lies madness, because now his distrust of Teddy is part of Leonard's 'evidence', and it doesn't take long before he 'knows' that Teddy is the one who killed his wife, so he lures him to a warehouse and shoots him in the head. And that, my friends, is the end. Quite depressing, I know. But because I wanted to leave you with a message of hope, I neglected to tell you something very significant about this fine motion picture. Chronologically, this movie runs backwards, so the splattering of Teddy's brains is the very first scene. The final scene is the first chronologically, so you really need to go home and piece the whole thing together in your head, which I hope that all of you will try to do. I guarantee that with a few mental gymnastics you'll be able to understand what I'm saying to you today. The final scene? It's quite a shocker, although in retrospect, it shouldn't be. Remember I told you that Leonard wrote 'Don't believe his lies' in response to a disturbing truth that Teddy revealed. That truth was the fact that Leonard himself was responsible for his wife's death, and that his entire search for the killer was a way for him to deny reality, much the way that Obama is trying to evade responsibility for his destruction of the American economy by blaming the Republican party. It's not too late for us as a nation to rewind. There will be a 'Memento 2' and it will be premiering November the second. This time Teddy will be the one searching for the real killer, and it will be a very short film because Teddy has a long memory. Thank you and remember, don't believe his lies.