Thursday, May 28, 2009

Burris charged

Kindly old egomaniac Roland Burris was formally charged today with three counts of lying to a former disgraced governor, an Illinois state crime that carries a penalty of free dinner and drinks at Moron's Steakhouse in Chicago.

"When we first listened to the FBI wiretaps of Burris's conversations with Governor Shitforbrains, this case looked like a cut and dry example of 'pay to play' politics," said Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan. "But then yesterday we watched his strangely hilarious interview with Chris Matthews and it became quite clear that this tightfisted but kindly old hack wasn't about to give Helmethead one red penny. Blagojevich got played and he never got paid. Justice is funny like that. Therefore, in my capacity as Attorney General, I have no choice other than to charge Senator Roland Burris with three counts of deceiving a scumbag."

"I'm guilty as sin," said an unremorseful Burris. "The Governor put me in a terrible dilemma. I wanted the Senate job, but I didn't want to go through all the hassle of raising money for it, so I did what anybody in my position would have done - lie my fool head off. I guess he believed me because I'm such a kindly old man. Anyway, I'm ready to pay the price for my transgressions - how about Saturday night around 8:30?"

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