Friday, July 31, 2009

cars vs chickens

America has fallen hard for the 'Cash for Clunkers' program, and the House today approved an additional two billion dollars in funding to help keep the love affair alive. The wildly successful program was supposedly funded through October, but has run out of cash after only a week.

"America loves that new car smell," said House Appropriations Chairman David Obey, who ironically is also the owner of a brand new automobile. "It makes them happy and optimistic about their future. People have been acting like they're all flat busted, but I guess this proves that a lot of them were just faking. Hopefully now they'll go out and buy all sorts of other crap, and before you know it, the economy will be soaring."

Not everybody is pleased with the Clunkers program, however. Take Congressman Jeb Hensarling, who is upset that his Texas district is not getting two billion dollars.

"Recently, one of the largest poultry producers in America - Pilgrim’s Pride, just a few miles outside of my congressional district, had to declare Chapter 11," fumed Hensarling. "Maybe we should have a 'Cash for Cluckers' program and pay people to eat chicken."

"That's ridiculous," replied Obey, "you don't need to pay people to eat chicken. Chicken is delicious. People just love to eat it. And it's economical, too. Right now you can get a twelve piece box at Popeyes for just $11.99, and it comes accessorized with a half pint of mashed potatoes and four buttermilk biscuits."

"Maybe that's true, and maybe that's not," Hensarling shot back. "I haven't seen the documentation, so I don't know. Anyhow, it's a moot point, cause we don't have a Popeye in my district, and now we don't have a Pilgrim's Pride, either. So in the Fightin' Fifth District, we're plumb out of chicken."

"I suppose you could import chicken... Why not send an appeal out to Colonel Sanders?"

“Because we don't have a Kentucky Fried, either, you sanctimonious prick," Hensarling retorted. "I tell you, the fact is we're flat out of chicken. It’s not humorous, because this is an extension of a program that has the government picking winners and losers. Why is the auto industry the winner? Why is the poultry industry the loser?"

"Because paying the people in your district to eat chicken doesn't accomplish a damn thing, Hensarling."

"It'd make the voters happy, Obey. Just like your car program."

"Point taken. Wanna sponsor a joint resolution?"

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