John McCain's Weird Tales: The Convergence (part 3)

part 1 is here ..... part 2

...and still it grew, the Glenn Beck Convergence. By my count, if all of his new followers had been sentient beings, they would have formed a mass almost as big as the Republican Party. His following was expanding much the same way The Blob grew in that classic motion picture of the same name. We talked a little about it last episode... You know, they just don't make movies like that anymore. Sure, I suppose they can do a whole lot more with their computer generated special effects, but when you saw The Blob projected up there on the silver screen - and this is after it's consumed everyone in the Colonial Theater so it's bigger than ever - and it follows Steve McQueen to a diner, and you realize all of a sudden that Oh my God, it's even bigger than the diner!, that's true movie magic. Nowadays a lot of directors think that all you need to do is crank up the body count, but nothing could be...

AWWKK!

Sorry, fella. Chucky here is telling me that I'm going off topic, and that I need to introduce this evening's episode of Weird Tales. Well, here it is... I sure hope that thing doesn't get too much bigger...

...and I am looking far beyond Health Care at this point, because after the 2010 election we can focus on total gridlock. Won't that be a welcome change, when we don't have to worry about opening the front door and seeing a heavily armed FEMA thug lurking outside? Friends, we are going to stop the pendulum in mid-swing. Let's go to the phones... It's Mike in Dallas.

Hello, Glenn Beck. It's Malik, not Mike. Malik Zulu Shabazz, but you can call me MZ. I want to hear a little more about this group you're forming, the one with all the people that fear and distrust the government. What's that group named anyway?

It doesn't have a name just yet, MZ. Honestly, it's all been coming together so rapidly that we can only describe it - it's a convergence. A convergence of everyone who believes that the federal government is trying to keep us down.

The Man trying to keep you down, that's something I can relate to 100 percent, Glenn Beck. You got me kind of interested in maybe joining up with you. But I wanted to ask you - I've been keeping tabs on the growth of your 'convergence', and I've got to say that I haven't heard of any participation by people of color. Is that a policy?

Good heavens no, MZ, we don't notice color here on the Glenn Beck Radio Show. How am I to know what the person on the other end of the line looks like? Although I am going to venture a guess - and this is based entirely on your rather unusual name - that you, sir, are a black man.

Correct, Glenn Beck, although I thought that you might recognize my name as the leader of the New Black Panther Party, a group you've made some disparaging remarks about in the past. But I'm guessing that with your new 'convergence', that's probably all water under the bridge.

Uh... not entirely under the bridge, no... MZ? Oops, sorry folks, we seem to have lost the caller...

Well, that was instructive. Much like the Republican Party, not everyone is welcome under Beck's big tent. Maybe we'll... Hold on. It's a very special guest.

...my very special guest, Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association. Do you pronounce that as 'la peer' or 'la pee-air'?

The Frenchy way, Glenn, but you don't want to hold that against me. And you can call me Wayne. Glenn, I've been watching what's happening with you over the past few days, particularly that wonderful rally in Washington, and I've got to say that I'm amazed at your ability to bring together these disparate groups in a groundswell of support for the American pioneer spirit. How do you plan on channeling all this enthusiasm?

To tell the truth, I haven't quite been able to get my mind around it thus so far, but I do know that my main goal is to prevent Barack Obama from accomplishing anything. Anything at all.

That's a noble goal, Glenn. In effect, you want to stop the country dead in it's tracks until we can elect somebody to take us safely backwards again.

Backwards and beyond, Wayne. Somebody has to do it. But let's talk about you and the NRA for a moment. I would imagine that one of your greatest fears is that this huge Democratic majority is planning on taking away your guns. Am I correct?

That would be an awful lot of guns for them to take, Glenn, but I can tell you this much - they sure as hell would like to try. And I'll tell you something else - there's no way in hell they'll ever be able to do it.

And that's because of the huge amount of members the NRA has, right? You've got the Feds outgunned, so to speak.

It's funny you should ask that, Glenn. Because truth is we only have around four million members. But on a spiritual level, we have tens of millions of members. See, to join the NRA there is a fifty dollar membership fee, and the majority of Gunners see that as a tax on their Second Amendment rights, so they only join the NRA in their minds. But we say God bless em, as long as they treat our every word as the gospel truth.

That's the same with our listeners! And I'll bet that the Gunners have something else in common with my UFOers and Birthers and Deathers and Teabaggers and TownHallers and New World Orderers and Truthers. I'll bet you all fear and distrust the government.

Aw heck, Glenn, we don't trust the government any further than we can throw a bulldozer. But we're not real afraid of it, on account of us having so many guns.

Guns are as American as pizza pie, Wayne, and I firmly believe that the Obama Administration wants to take your guns away from you. Maybe you would like to reciprocate and buy into our beliefs as well.

Can't do it, Glenn. We're free and independent Americans, and we're not gonna start believing a whole lot of crazy things just so we can be part of some group. Now individually, a lot of our members might believe Barack Obama is an illegal immigrant Muslim who wants to spread Socialism in support of his corporate masters in the New World Order. Maybe he will use death panels to do that, maybe not. Truthfully, I just don't know.

All we can ask is for you to speak truthfully. But if I were to speak truthfully myself, I would say that the difference between us is not very far.

Cruising for burgers in daddy's new car, huh Glenn? I'll tell you what. We do support your effort to stop the government from doing anything until we can put somebody in office that can move us back to the future again. And if you're willing to believe that the government wants to take our guns, then we're willing to stand beside you and fight for your right to believe any damn fool thing you want.

Wayne, you drive a hard bargain, but that's a heck of a deal at twice the price!

That's... just lame. I mean, where was Wayne LaPierre in 2008? Sure, the NRA reluctantly endorsed me after I picked Sarah, but did they ever really back me? Did they urge their members to get out and vote? Come on... Glenn Beck? The man isn't even running for anything. And why do I call this 'Weird Tales' anyway? This isn't weird, it's just depressing...

...to be continued...