Friday, September 11, 2009

John McCain's Weird Tales: The Convergence (part 2)

part 1 is here
Good evening, friends, and welcome back to John McCain's Weird Tales. When you last joined me, we were watching an amazing convergence as media personality Glenn Beck sought to find a common ground between the Truthers, Townhallers, Teabaggers, Birthers, Deathers, and New World Orderers. I was inspired to ask my friend Joe Lieberman whether this strange alliance was truly possible, or nothing more than a passing night terror.
What do you think, Joe? Am I in the midst of a phantasmagoric fever dream?

As usual, Joe just stared into space.

Did you ever see that movie 'The Blob'? The original, with Steve McQueen. Good movie. But you always wonder just exactly how big the Blob can get. Even at it's biggest, it still fits inside of a movie theater. I mean, it never gets as big as Alaska, for example. But if it did... Well, I guess that's a topic for another Weird Tale. Right now lets rejoin Glenn Beck on the following day, talking with his very special guest Molly Ringwald.
We're back live with Molly Ringwald, who has been telling us that her career has tanked big time since rumors first began to emerge that she was a Truther. Although in a way, I can say that it confirms something that I've always maintained, which is that Hollywood is every bit as prejudicial as any other part of the country.
It is a reaction that took me totally by surprise, Glenn, much as your actual girth. Since the word got out, I haven't been able to get any work at all beyond the occasional TV movie on Lifetime. But I must relate to you how touched I am by the support from all the caring Teabaggers and New World Orderers that I've been hearing from your audience over the past thirty minutes.
That's because they've opened their ears and opened their hearts and they recognize that we're all the same under the skin as long as each of us realize that the government is up to no darn good. So tell me, Molly, how many Truthers would you say there are?
Gosh, I have now way of knowing, since most of us are frightened to talk publicly about it. But I would guess there might be at least twenty million. And that's just in Hollywood.
Twenty million! Combine that with the millions of Birthers and Teabaggers, thousands of TownHallers and Tony from Alexandria, and you've got yourself a pretty substantial and powerful minority. If we could just take... Hold on, my producer is signaling me that I've got a special call on the hot line. Go ahead, caller.
Hello, Glenn, this is Art Bell broadcasting directly to your phone from my secret remote studio in New Mexico.
Legendary paranormal broadcaster Art Bell! But I thought you were retired! When I was a kid I used to listen to all your crazy talk about UFOs and aliens and it scared the bejesus out of me... You're insane! Why are you calling me and how did you get my special secret hot line number?
Let's just say that I visualized it, Glenn. I was sitting here in my secret remote studio listening to you, and it occurred to me that it's time for me to come out of retirement. You can call me crazy all you want, but were you aware of the fact that 34% of the American people believe in UFOs?

I seem to recall hearing that statistic somewhere before, but the point is...
The point is that each and every one of those people believe that the government is lying to them about the existence of aliens. That's because the government is lying about it, and you should be the first person to realize that. And Barrack Obama is continuing the lies. We're talking about a third of the country, Beck. If you're seriously interested in putting together a coalition of people that fear and distrust the government, that's not a constituency you're going to want to blow off.
Hmm... That truly is an impressive number of people... And if you combined them with the Truthers and Deathers and New World Orderers and Teabaggers and TownHallers and Birthers, I think that you might just see the beginning of something that...
I'm willing to come out right here and now and say that I am ready to admit that I believe in aliens if the UFOers will come out and say they believe that 911 was an inside job.
Not a problem, little lady. Most of us are fully aware of the fact that the government attacked it's own people on that dark day in order to keep them in darkness, slavery and despair. It's hardly a coincidence that 911 was the very same day that a young state legislator named Barrack Obama was meeting with shadowy members of the Trilateral Commission to review newly translated alien transmissions which called for the disarmament of the American citizenry. Like I said, Molly, not a problem for the UFOers to share the bandwagon. The real problem is that these Teabaggers and Birthers and TownHallers are so narrowly focused that they'll probably never be able to focus in on the big picture. Not to mention the New World Orderers.
That's where you're wrong, Art Bell! The New World Orderers are so desperate for someone to talk to that they'll believe anything. And I can guarantee that the Birthers and Deathers and Teabaggers and TownHallers, unlike the Left, are not prejudiced. We will break bread with anyone willing and able to fear and distrust the government. We embrace you! We accept you, one of us! We are on the verge of a mighty convergence!
Hey! Hey! What do you mean that's a wrap for today? How am I supposed to go to sleep tonight if I don't know whether I'm dreaming now? Give me a break. Nobody told me this Weird Tale was be continued...

1 comment:

  1. Damn! That fucking Art Bell actually called Douche Beck? How could he betray us like that? Us— the ppl who believe in UFOs! Sold down the river like a bunch a friggin' birthers!

    I can't wait to read the next part, but I'm saving it for tomorrow; when the sun comes back again; and I feel safe.