Wednesday, December 23, 2009

your stupid tax dollars at work

Cake? You can't eat the fucking cake! We're talking Bizzaro World Marie Antoinette here. Like the ridiculous pardoning of the oven-ready turkeys, here is another grotesque White House tradition that we had so hoped Obama would have throttled with glee. But now, following the enlightenment, we've got marzipan replicas of eggplants grown in the Example Garden, complete with a miniature pseudo-edible Bo

Same as it ever was, except that this time it's white chocolate, motherfucker, 250 pounds of it, and it's got honey from the White House bee hive, and really, really, the best commentary I can make is to reprint the following piece from the Christmas of 2006.

Let them eat an enormous fucking cake.

According to the Chief Executive's web site, the above monstrosity of dark chocolate and gingerbread weighs in at over three hundred pounds of sugary goodness and took more than three weeks to make, meaning it was already stale before anyone was able to get as much as a bite out of the Lincoln bedroom. Which, I suppose, makes the Bush White House more of a metaphor than an after dinner treat.

It's as though spring was never waiting for us, girl, it ran one step ahead as we followed in the dance, and then we abruptly changed to an even better metaphor (albeit one without a subject) about laundry where we noted that between the parted pages we were pressed by love's hot, fevered iron, like a strip-ed pair of pants. That's strip-ed, not striped, because striped pairs of pants are only worn by the lower classes, or buffoons, or girls with really big asses who don't seem to realize that this sort of fashion decision only aggravates their problems.

So ultimately, the fudge White House is melting in the dark, all the sweet, brown icing flowing down. Someone left the cake out in the rain and I don't think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again.

Oh, no! Oh, no! No, no, oh no!!

Sonofabitch was never meant to be eaten.

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