Friday, January 8, 2010

Inhofe calls for climate hearing

Leading global climate change naysayer Jim Inhofe, who somewhat ironically is the ranking GOP member in the Senate Environmental Committee, has surprised his colleagues by calling for an emergency meeting on global warming shortly after his return from the holiday recess.

"To quote the great American artist Bob Dillard, you don't need a weatherman to say which way the wind goes," said Inhofe, before going on to paraphrase the Sugarhill Group. "You just stick your finger up in the air and shake it around like you just don't care and whoa, my finger's cold... Look at that, the sucker is turning blue on me."

Everyone in Washington is at least temporarily in agreement that global warming is nothing more than a cruel hoax, but Inhofe believes that it goes further than that.

"I just flew in from Tulsa, and boy, are my wings tired. As well as frozen. Good God, it was fourteen degrees at noon. It's time for President Obama to forget about his precious health care plan, forget about the war on terror, and forget about trying to create jobs. It's too cold to go to work anyway. He needs to focus like a laser on this global cooling crisis... I fear that Obama and his team of warmth-hating EPA thugs may be initiating some sort of horrendous object lesson."

"I would, as usual, like to laugh at the senator from the great state of Oklahoma," said committee member Amy Klobuchar, "but I'm afraid that today I just can't. There's a chill across this nation. We're getting a high of four degrees in Minneapolis today, and my lips are still too numb to chuckle."

"I can really empathize with you guys," said Chairman Barbara Boxer. "I just got in from L.A., and it was so cold I had to wear a light jacket."

"Screw you, Barbara," snarled Mike Crapo, whose name is always fun to use in any piece. "I've got two words for you - Idaho Falls."

"Gentlemen, ladies, this isn't a competition," said the icy Oklahoman. "The fact is, we're all back in Washington now, and it hasn't been above freezing in a week and a half. Right now those wind gusts are so frosty that I just saw Joe Lieberman with his hands in his own pockets. It's time for us to take action, and vote as a group to never let this damned climate bill reach the Senate floor."

"I'm gonna hate myself come April," said Klobuchar as she warmed her hands above a can of Sterno, "but right now I'm afraid I've got to vote with the frozen geezer."

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