Snowpocalypse

The Republican Party is once again calling out President Obama, this time blasting him for being 'soft on snow' and criticizing his ineffectual handling of the blizzard hitting the Washington area. "I don't recall there ever being that much snow in Washington when George Bush was president," said Sarah Palin in a Facebook posting describing herself as the only candidate with real snow experience. "I don't recall there ever being that much snow during the Reagan years, either. And the man obviously is incapable of handling it. So here we are, just barely one year into the Obama administration, and the whole city is paralyzed with snow. All you people who were talking about hope and change, let me ask you something. How's that diggy-plowy thing workin out for you now?" "It's probably not fair to blame one man for this disaster," said Senator Jim DeMint, "but they blamed President Bush for Katrina, and that wasn't fair either. Obama is ignoring this crisis. They tell me that the last time there was this much snow in Washington was back in 1888 when Grover Cleveland, another liberal, was president. And that wasn't such a big deal at the time, since there wasn't a beltway or an enormous bureaucracy." "They haven't even plowed my street," Minority Leader John Boehner said tearfully. "They haven't plowed anybody's street. Except for Barack Obama's. They've even pulled all the plows off of the streets, citing trumped up safety concerns. Well, this is no time for safety concerns. The House is on February recess and I want to go home." "Obama thinks it's funny," said Boehner's outraged sidekick Eric Cantor. "He calls it Snowpocalypse. But it's not funny. He should have mobilized the National Guard. Sarah Palin was right, what we need is a Commander in Chief, not a professor of constitutional law. Or at least a man with a plow and the will to use it." In a rare turn of events, Senator Jim Inhofe declined joining his colleagues in their castigation of President Obama. "You people need to rise above your petty partisan politics, and accept this storm for what it is," said Inhofe. "God's punishment on Al Gore."

Inhofe calls for climate hearing

Leading global climate change naysayer Jim Inhofe, who somewhat ironically is the ranking GOP member in the Senate Environmental Committee, has surprised his colleagues by calling for an emergency meeting on global warming shortly after his return from the holiday recess. "To quote the great American artist Bob Dillard, you don't need a weatherman to say which way the wind goes," said Inhofe, before going on to paraphrase the Sugarhill Group. "You just stick your finger up in the air and shake it around like you just don't care and whoa, my finger's cold... Look at that, the sucker is turning blue on me." Everyone in Washington is at least temporarily in agreement that global warming is nothing more than a cruel hoax, but Inhofe believes that it goes further than that. "I just flew in from Tulsa, and boy, are my wings tired. As well as frozen. Good God, it was fourteen degrees at noon. It's time for President Obama to forget about his precious health care plan, forget about the war on terror, and forget about trying to create jobs. It's too cold to go to work anyway. He needs to focus like a laser on this global cooling crisis... I fear that Obama and his team of warmth-hating EPA thugs may be initiating some sort of horrendous object lesson." "I would, as usual, like to laugh at the senator from the great state of Oklahoma," said committee member Amy Klobuchar, "but I'm afraid that today I just can't. There's a chill across this nation. We're getting a high of four degrees in Minneapolis today, and my lips are still too numb to chuckle." "I can really empathize with you guys," said Chairman Barbara Boxer. "I just got in from L.A., and it was so cold I had to wear a light jacket." "Screw you, Barbara," snarled Mike Crapo, whose name is always fun to use in any piece. "I've got two words for you - Idaho Falls." "Gentlemen, ladies, this isn't a competition," said the icy Oklahoman. "The fact is, we're all back in Washington now, and it hasn't been above freezing in a week and a half. Right now those wind gusts are so frosty that I just saw Joe Lieberman with his hands in his own pockets. It's time for us to take action, and vote as a group to never let this damned climate bill reach the Senate floor." "I'm gonna hate myself come April," said Klobuchar as she warmed her hands above a can of Sterno, "but right now I'm afraid I've got to vote with the frozen geezer."