Thursday, April 15, 2010


...and so I'm proud to announce the launch of my campaign to replace Nancy Pelosi as the next Speaker of the House. That's her ugly mug up there, and the guy on the right is me and I'm vsing her, just like in pro wrestling. You can see the steely determination in my eyes and the fear on her face. Now it won't be...
Psst... Hey Jim, you know what I think? Looks to me like Pelosi's more disgusted than she is frightened. She probably got a strong whiff of the big loser.
...a lot of hard work, and to that end, I've created a "Boehner for Speaker" web site where you can volunteer or donate or just go to have a good time. You'll find everything you need to help me out. It's at
Psst... Hey Jim, I've got me one of them new fangled web sites, too. It's a little easier to remember than Boehner's. What a moron.
Cantor, would you kindly quit whispering behind my back? I'm trying to tell the press about my battleplan for recapturing the House.
What? You talking to me? Nobody's whispering behind your back, John. Getting a little paranoid, are we? Go on, tell everybody about your silly plan.
It's not a silly plan. It's a blueprint for the future of the Republican Party.
Go on. Talk away. We're all just dying to hear what you have in mind.
Well, as I was saying, all we need to do is take back forty seats, which is imminently doable. We need to redouble our efforts on...
Psst... Hey Jim, you know why he's got that long ass web address? I bought all the good combinations with his name and redirected them to
Look, Cantor, if you're going to continue to run your mouth, why don't you just come up here and tell everyone whatever it is you think is so important
Thanks a million, boss. That's about your usual fee to pass a piece of legislation, isn't it? Folks, I do expect the GOP to win back the House in November, but I'm here to tell you that there's no way in Hell that John Boehner is going to be the next Speaker.
Oh, really? And what would make you think that was the case?
Because, John, you're a minority leader who isn't leading, so why should you expect to be rewarded? You haven't introduced a single bill or been able to stop a single Democratic one.
I, on the other hand, have been spectacularly successful as Whip, getting our troops to march in lockstep on every important vote we've considered.
It's true that you've done a fine job, Eric, and I probably haven't done a good enough job of showing my appreciation, or giving you the attention you deserve. As for my own performance, I believe that most Republicans understand that when your in...
And there's another reason why you won't be the next Speaker. If we take the House, I'm running against you. I'm younger, stronger and smarter than you. Your time is over old man.
You've got my vote, Mister Speaker.
Thanks, Jim. Say, once I'm Speaker, do you want to be Majority Whip?
This press conference is going remarkably poorly...

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