Thursday, April 8, 2010

Kyrgyzstan at it again

Right there, below Kazakhstan. To the right of Uzbekistan. Not that one, that's Turkmenistan. The one just above Tajikistan. You got it.

The impoverished landlocked nation of Kyrgyzstan grew a little more cheerful today as they put the finishing touches on their second revolution in five years, this one sure to bring them the attention and respect they so rightfully deserve.

Roza Otunbayeva will be the leader of what she says will be an interim government which in theory will only serve six months before... well, she didn't exactly say before what. Russia seems okay with the new leader of the former Soviet satellite, and today Otunbayeva made sure to say that she would not close an important American air base located there, so the U.S. is okay with her too. President Kurmanbek Bakiyev is not okay.

I am the elected head of state. I do not admit any defeat," the defeated leader said today to the 'Echo of Moscow' radio station. "I think within several days, it will become clear that those who have considered themselves leaders, first of all they are not capable and they have drawn the country into abyss and disorder. They will have to answer for this."

"Big words for a man speaking from an undisclosed location," said Otunbayeva, who the locals know as just plain Rosie. "We will not allow anybody to build a monarchic dynasty in our civilized but impoverished republic."

"Rosie is very sincere," said Edil Baisalov, a Kyrgyzstan activist who has been in exile since the previous uprising (which for some unknown reason is referred to as the Tulip Revolution). "Unfortunately, we know that weeks and months ahead will be quite chaotic, but in the very least, she hopes to create a level playing field for all the political forces in the next revolution."

(From the archives: The golden days of the Tulip Revolution)

Kyrgyzstan No Longer Hard to Spell

Interim governing counsel (l-r) Fred, Sonny, Kurmanbek, and Fran of Curgistan

Having ousted unpopular President Askar Akayev, the interim government, led by Kurmanbek Bakiyev, has voted by a margin of three to one to change the spelling of it's name to Curgistan. The one negative vote, cast by Fran Bvyrtzkoiev, was rescinded when she realized her name would still rhyme.

"It's a reform that will be welcomed throughout the country," said Bakiyev, "and one that's long overdue. No longer will our people face the embarrassment of misspelling the name of our great nation. It's very easy now, just like it sounds."

In other actions, the governing counsel also voted to change their national anthem from "The Marching Feets of Kyrgyzstan" to "Mack the Knife".

Rival Kyrgyzstanian Party Says No To Changes

Alternate governing counsel (l-r) Fygloi, Bklong, Felix, and Gkorkivlagki

BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan (Reuters) - Kyrgyzstan's new rulers sought Sunday to avert a split in their ranks after their lightning coup, but tension remained high with fresh warnings of possible civil war in the impoverished Central Asian state. Thursday's revolt left the ex-Soviet republic with two rival parliaments and clear strains among opposition leaders, united only by the desire to get rid of veteran President Askar Akayev.

Stating that the Boopha interim government, led by Kurmanbek Bakiyev, was "not worthy of grooming my yak," Ihop interim government leader Felix Kulov, who is also the Nation's security chief, launched into an angry denouement of "supposedly approved changes" recently announced by his opposition.

"So this is what the Boophas care about their proud heritage. Not a big f-ing lot, eh?" Kulov paused to relight his pipe before continuing. "Westernize the spelling of our countries proud name to Curgistan? Kyrgyzstan we are, and Kyrgyzstan we shall remain! It looks so good on paper that the whole nation shivers with delight each time they see it printed in the Bishkek Times!"

"As for the National Anthem, well, we agree that 'The Marching Feets of Kyrgyzstan' is not a very good number, so we would be willing to compromise on that issue. But, 'Mack the Knife', never, I swear unto you this is an insult, proposing to use a German song to represent the people of Kyrgyzstan!"

"And while we're at it, we propose a classier dress code for all ruling government officials. Just look at those slobs in the Boopha party. Sonny Gykryzonich is then only one wearing a nice suit, while Kurmanbek Bakiyev is wearing a t-shirt, like he just came in from the market. No wonder other countries don't respect us, dressed like that. As for Fran of Kyrgyzstan, parading around in public with naked arms and golden tresses, I can only ask, what the hell is a woman doing on the interim counsel to begin with?"

1 comment:

  1. Bakiyev is such a colossal asshat; it's still not easy, and it isn't spelled just like it sounds. Whyyy TF didn't they change that "g" to a "j" when they had the chance??

    I mean, "Curg"?? "Curgistan"??
    Isn't a "curg" a throat polyp or something?!?

    Curjistan! dumbshits! Curjistan!