Monday, August 2, 2010

Wallace threatens to walk

FOX News Sunday Host Chris Wallace has informed the network that he intends to renege on his contract, which still has two years remaining, if he is forced to do another exclusive interview with half-governor fish wife Sarah Palin.

"I can't take it anymore," the FOX host told his father Mike Wallace in a '60 Minutes' interview that will never air due to his contract and the fact that the senior Wallace is retired. "I had a great job at ABC and left because Roger Ailes told me I could have the opportunity to be my own boss. Big ha. It seems like the Republican party is now my boss. It was bad enough when they hired Huckabee and I had to do exclusives with him all the time. But at least Huckabee had a brain, albeit a tiny one. Now that they've hired Sarah Palin, I question the very meaning of my existence."

Wallace's decision was apparently triggered by yesterday's exclusive interview with Palin, which he described as the "most inane of a tedious fucking lot". Topics discussed included President Obama's lack of manhood, stalkers in the Palin neighborhood, and what was written on Sarah's hand.

"Jesus Christ almighty, I used to think of myself as a newsman, but I guess that's no longer the case," Wallace told Wallace. "Or is it, Dad? Dad? Dad, wake up. I'm sitting there with this insipid bitch who's scrawled on her palm with a magic marker, and she keeps flashing it at the camera, and my producer keeps hollering in my earpiece to ask her what's on her palm. And I am like I'm not going to do it. This is ridiculous. I mean, a parrot you expect to keep saying the same thing over and over, but unless you're Jimmy J. J. Walker it's rather boorish behavior in an adult. I know that whatever she's got written there, her answer is going to include something about the 'lamestream' media, and seeing as how FOX is the number one cable news source, that just strikes me as counterproductive at best. But what do I know, I'm just a talking head, not a fucking grizzly mama who's accomplished the unbelievably difficult job of governing the frozen tundra for a couple of years."

"She doesn't even understand the fucking talking points. I guess you didn't have them back in the day, but they're a fact of life now. You'd hate it. But anyway, she's talking about how Obama doesn't have any cojones. That's a pretty insulting thing to say about any man, quite frankly, but the president? I'd have her killed if I was Obama, Dad, that's just between you and me... I know you're not really filming, but I still don't want you repeating that... No one listens to you anymore anyway? Huh. Welcome to my world, Dad."

"We go to break and she tells me to ask her about Bristol and 'Ricky Hollywood'. Can you believe it, Ricky Hollywood? Really sad... So I ask her, to deflect attention away from her goddamn palm... Okay, Sarah - and you have to call her Sarah when you're off camera, 'cause I'm just one of the people' - I say Okay, Sarah, what about Bristol and Levi Johnson. And she says, not now, Chris, ask me when we're back on the air. I'm not fucking TMZ, I'm a journalist. Or I used to be, anyway... I guess she was going to tell me that Bristol and Levi weren't going to get married, I guess that was my 'exclusive', I really don't give a fuck. I really don't. And I really really don't care how she has to avoid certain parts of her house because Joe McGinniss is peeping at her. Put up some damn curtains, fool. I've had it, Dad, I'm going to get me a paper route."


  1. You must have access to better drugs than I do, Mark!

  2. Would it were the case. Great post.

  3. Well, I thought so. Makes me feel better.