Friday, October 8, 2010

The Breakfast Club, Part 7: Pat's Big Turn-off

Part 1........Part 2......Part 3.....Part 4......Part 5......Part 6

Debbie, I'm going to ask you something and I want an honest answer. My friend Michele says you're not who I think you are. Are you really the daughter of lamestream media liberal Ed Schultz?
No, I'm not.
Oh good! Cause Michele told me that and I'm like 'you're crazy, Michele, Debbie's my best friend in the world' and Michele says 'Well, Sarah, you may think you know Debbie but my research...'
Stop, Sarah. That ditz Bachmann is partially right, but the fact she couldn't even place me when I work with her proves how lame she is. I'm a congresswoman, Sarah, from Florida's 20th district.
Liberal, Republican, or Tea Party?
It doesn't matter, Sarah. What matters is that we get to the bottom of a plot that may involve you. You asked me who Lloyd Blankfein is; well, he's the ruthless CEO from Goldman-Sachs and he's involved in something with Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, Mitt Romney, John Boehner, a lot of powerful people we know about, and a lot more that we only suspect.
Who is this we of whom you speak?
I can't tell you that, Sarah. But you know your boss at FOX is involved, along with Gingrich and Rove, Beck, Hannity, Huckabee, O'Reilly and even Rick Santorum.
God, that's everybody important except for me and Steve Doocy.
That's right, Sarah, by your very exclusion, you would seem to be at the center of some nefarious plot.
I'll just bet that they're planning on endorsing someone other than me for president, and I'll bet they're plotting on how they're going to get away with it.
Uh... yeah, that's what I think too. So I think you should take me to Pat Robertson's house where they've all been meeting, and try to get some answers from him.
That's exactly what we should do, Debbie. They're trying to ruin me. I'll call Reverend Robertson and see if we can come over tomorrow.
Oh. I thought you'd probably want to get going right away.
You as so funny, Debbie! Doncha know that 'Dancing With the Stars' is on tonight?
...meanwhile, at The Breakfast Club... we've got most of the potential presidential candidates through the initial indoctrination, and of course that Gingrich and Romney were deemed ready for Breakfast Club membership. All in all, we've briefed over forty GOP senators, congressmen and Governors who should be in greater positions of power after November. A few of these are probably ready for the Breakfast Club as well, but we'll wait until after the election to proceed.
I've got to admit that Lloyd has had to pull the lion's share in this effort, Krauthammer. My task has been relatively easy. Most of the serious conservative media fell in line without much effort on my part whatsoever. Except for Beck and Hannity, we didn't even need to treat them to breakfast. And most of our corporate friends implicitly agreed with our goals, with quite a few contacting us on their own. Of course, Krauthammer, I'd be lying if I said I don't worry about the Goody-Goodies.
Yes, the members of The Giving Pledge. I wouldn't worry, Mister Murdoch. They're a very disturbed group of individuals, and I'm sure most people see them as quite obviously insane, if they're aware of them at all. Any problems to report?
Nothing serious, Krauthammer, although we still haven't figured out the mysterious appearance of Mike Huckabee. Rupert says that Huckabee was actually taping at FOX during the time of the incident, so what we're apparently dealing with is a Huckabee impersonator. Still, he wasn't privy to much beyond boilerplate. Nevertheless, we've suspended all use of The Preacher's house until we know exactly what happened.
Very good, Mister Blankfein. In actuality, our need for The Preacher has passed. I take great satisfaction in the work that both of you have done, and I'm pleased to say that Leadership has requested a meeting with you just as soon as you can tie up a few lose ends. We'll have a private jet at LaGuardia, tomorrow, 2 PM.
Leadership... Oh, how I've longed for this day. What did you need for us to do before then, Krauthammer?
Two small things. First, re-brief Mister Boehner. I know you disagree, but that is Leadership's decision, and they have their reasons. Secondly, switch The Preacher off... And have a good trip tomorrow.
...the next morning...
I'm telling you, Lloyd, the look on Boehner's face when you told him you had wiped his memory was just priceless. He looked just like a big orange cow.
Now, now, Rupert, I happen to be rather fond of cows. But I am glad to get that over... I wonder why Leadership has such a keen interest in Boehner.
I myself wonder just who exactly leadership is. I expect that we already know some of them, don't you? Oh, here we are are at the Robertson place... Ready?
I talked to Maureen last night, so we should be good to go. Let's roll.
Can you get that, Maureen? I'm feeling all woozy and light headed, like I... I forgot what I was going to say... Can you get that, Maureen?
Mister Murdoch, Mister Blankfein, come on in... The Reverend is in the kitchen, of course. Seems as though he's feeling a bit disoriented, almost as if somebody put something in his coffee.
Good morning, Mister Robertson. My goodness, you're looking a bit goofy this morning, if you don't mind me saying so.
Hiya, fellas! I'm feeling a little goofy this morning, now that you mention it. Like I was still asleep... Maybe I need another cup of coffee.
Splendid idea, Mister Robertson. Another cup of coffee might just be the very thing.
I'll bet you guys want to schedule some more meetings over here, don't you? I don't mind, but... well, I think Maureen is getting a little tired of cleaning up all those dishes... And... And, you know, I get all the Age-Defying Protein Pancakes mix I want for free, cause it's my company, but... the milk and eggs and... did you know that the cost of the Jimmy Dean Lil' Links has just been skyrocketing... I don't know why... But I was...
Don't say another word, Mister Robertson. I hear you loud and clear, and I want you to know that we appreciate everything you've done for us. I don't believe we'll be needing your assistance any more.
That's okay, I... met a lot of interesting people... and, uh... but I never... Sorry... my head... I never did...
You know, Mister Robertson, I think we may have the exact thing you need to clear your head. Have you ever heard of a Dugan Bag? It's a marvelous device.
You just slip it on over your head, like so... My, that's a tight fit on you... Well, close enough for government work.
Oh... I think it's working already... But... What I wanted to ask... was... uh, I never did really... really understand... uh, what it was that... that you... you all were doing here... in the first place.
That's because we weren't doing anything, Mister Robertson.... We were never here... In fact, you've never even met us before.

Thank you so much for your assistance, Maureen. You've been invaluable.
My pleasure. I get tired of waiting on the old fool, and he pays me peanuts.
Well, you'll be receiving a nice token of appreciation from us. Just let him sleep where he is, and I'll have my driver Dante pick up the Dugan Bag in a couple of hours...
...a couple of hours later...
Oh, hey, you're that Eskimo chick aren't you? Come on in, I guess. I was just leaving.
Sarah Palin, it's a pleasure to meet you. And this must be Debbie. Mister Robertson was taking a little nap in the kitchen, but I think he's awake now. Go on in.
That's weird, Sarah. She acted like she'd never seen you before.
Hi, Reverend Robertson, I've been so anxious to talk to you. There's a lot of...
My goodness, Sarah, I invited you for breakfast back in October 2008. Still, better late than never, I suppose. And I am feeling powerfully hungry for some reason.
I'm Debbie Wasserman Shultz, Mister Robertson, and we really needed to talk to you about the series of meetings that have been going onhere in your home.
Meetings? I'm not sure what you're talking about. I don't socialize a lot anymore. I did have a nice group over for the last Super Bowl, though. Maureen, how bout fixing us up some breakfast?
No, Mister Robertson, I'm talking about recent meetings with people like Newt Gingrich, Lloyd Blankfein, Rupert Murdoch, Glenn Beck and Mitt Romney. You know what I'm talking about.
Beck and Romney are Mormons, so I sure as heck didn't have them over here. And Rupert Murdoch tried to swindle me out of my television network, so he's dead in my book. I have talked to Newt a couple of times, but that was back in the Nineties, when we were both on our way up. Sorry to disappoint you, but I think some of Maureen's cooking will fix that up fine.
Think, Mister Robertson, think. Have you ever heard anyone mention an organization known as The Breakfast Club?
No, Debbie, I haven't, but it does sound like the sort of club that I would enjoy. You know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I like to start mine with a nice stack of my Age-Defying Protein Pancakes. They're not only good, they're good for you too. How they coming along, Maureen? And throw on some Li'l links while you're at it... be continued...


  1. These are my favorite, and this one has all the parts, and to be continued...! The plot of the story of the age-defying pancakes thickens.

  2. Thanks so much, Freida. These long pieces are also my favorite to write, so it's nice to know you have the patience to follow it.